Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
About three years now and I'm finally finishing it.
Feelings are as temperamental as the weather but my favourites rarely change. The subtle differences in my mood when I'm out, or doing something I love. You never get bored of it. It's personal, it's close, it's good.
These are some of my Favourite Feelings.
It sounds silly but there's something right about being in your own bed. I spent three years moving houses, sleeping in different beds but never feeling quite right. When I came back home, I laid on my old bed and slept till the afternoon. I woke up in a familiar place, sunlight peaking in.
I felt safe, I felt good.
2. OPENING UP TO SOMEONE
I never heard a term for this until my first year of Uni. Late night in the James Owen Court Halls, a friend and I had tea without creamers, sharing stories from Brunei and Kenya among others. I remember seeing his eyes glint as he went on, missing his friends across this wide world. It was a feeling I knew well. Later, he thanked me for this 'DMC.'
"What's that?" I asked.
"Deep Meaningful Conversation, D.M.C."
Oh.
3. ACCOMPLISHING A LIFE-LONG GOAL
Last year, my first pilot premiered.
They hired me as a writer, so I wrote the repilot of their miniseries. I was too busy and exhausted to get excited over it then, not to mention I was 8000km away. Now though, I think about my first professional writing experience. It was recently nominated for Best Asian Drama at the First Asia Content Awards.
I did that, no one can take that away from me.
4. FINISHING A GOOD BOOK
There are some books that get you emotionally invested, your eyes glued to the pages. This happens sometimes but rare enough that it leaves you drained once you closed the paperback. Your mind racing from the plot or the prose. It's rare that it happens now, but when it does...damn.
If I could recommend a book, that would be Angie Thomas' The Hate U Give or It's Not About The Burqa: Muslim Women on Faith, Feminism, Sexuality, and Race.
Both are amazing.
5. LONG WALKS ALONE
A little melancholic but I like it.
When I lived closer to town and the nights were colder, I'd just take walks. I would grab the closest jacket and head out the door, just to walk from one end of town to the other. I'd sit outside with my headphones in to sit somewhere new and scenic, on bus benches as I watch drunks coming home from the pub.
It was just the right kind of loneliness.
who will never read what I wrote.
Unless they see these blog posts, which I'm hoping they don't.
Going through old notebooks from a few years ago, I found a few snippets of prose and poetry. They're sketched and inked onto old papers but I like to think they still have some sentimental value. They remind me of better times when I was a little bit happier during the holidays.
Here are some Words in Books I'll Never Write.
0 1. goodnight
His head on my chest,
and my fingers in his hair.
Eyes closed,
and still fully clothed.
We’re gently rocked to sleep
by the rhythm of our heartbeats.
Neither of us were particularly good dancers, but he put jazz on the speakers and took my hand. A foot in front of the other, I followed in pursuit. Our bodies swayed across the room, taking wild twirls in turn. He dipped down low and spun and pulled me back in.
We both laughed, dizzy from nightcaps. We danced, even after the song ended. Moving to a beat we played differently in our heads. How madly in love we looked that Christmas Eve.
He was mad, and I was in love.
and my fingers in his hair.
Eyes closed,
and still fully clothed.
We’re gently rocked to sleep
by the rhythm of our heartbeats.
- 29th November 2017, 00:20AM
0 2. christmas eve
Neither of us were particularly good dancers, but he put jazz on the speakers and took my hand. A foot in front of the other, I followed in pursuit. Our bodies swayed across the room, taking wild twirls in turn. He dipped down low and spun and pulled me back in.
We both laughed, dizzy from nightcaps. We danced, even after the song ended. Moving to a beat we played differently in our heads. How madly in love we looked that Christmas Eve.
He was mad, and I was in love.
- 22nd December 2017, 00:13AM
0 3. new years
I looked up at the sky, illuminated with lights crackling up in the air. Loud cheers from the pub two minutes away, singing and laughing. I look back at you as if this new year would be alright. You take my hand, covered in a mitten, and kiss it gently.
"Happy 2018."
You walk too fast for me, I run faster. I call out to you and you stop by a street light. You look at me behind your shoulder, your lips suppress a smile.
"Hurry up, it's freezing," you gesture to the road. Huddled in a coat much too big, and that blue scarf I liked so much. You look happy, content with life as it is right then and there.
"Forgive my little legs." We both chuckle as I catch up to you, fireworks sprung out.
I looked up at the sky, illuminated with lights crackling up in the air. Loud cheers from the pub two minutes away, singing and laughing. I look back at you as if this new year would be alright. You take my hand, covered in a mitten, and kiss it gently.
"Happy 2018."
- 4th January 2018, 5:21PM
I would like to preface this post by saying all of this writing is purely fictional. Maybe. Perhaps inspired by true events but written by someone who, at the time of writing, had been wearing rose-tinted glasses.
I spent last month reflecting on how my 2010s began and how it ended. In 2010, I was likely asleep, considering I was 12 and tired of life already. In 2019, I was in the living room, watching HBO with my family. When the clock struck midnight, we cheered, 'Happy New Year' and went to bed. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
In just 10 short years, I've learned a few things - mostly through a lot of embarrassment and failure. Here are 10 Things I Learned in the 2010s.
1. Teenagehood is a witch with a capital B
2. You'll lose friends but gain better ones
3. The people you love don't dictate who you are
4. The world is too big to stay in one place forever
8. Destiny may not be real, but you can manifest
9. Everyone is figuring it out
10. Home is not a place, it is a feeling.
What is something you learned in the 2010s?
with love,
Bash Harry
Five years ago, I wrote about my 2015 Resolutions.
Not much has changed yet so much has.
My 2015 Resolutions are different but they came true. Eventually within the next five years. Keeping that in mind, I'd like to do a Goals list for the next decade instead of the usual resolutions list. After all, the 2020s is the perfect start for this kind of post.
Here are my 5 goals for the decade.
1. 30 COUNTRIES BY 30
I'm 22 now and just developed the travel bug. Why did I wait till my final year of Uni to start solo traveling?
As of writing this, I have been to 15 different countries - 6 of them from last year alone. Thinking about it both excites and scares me. I've always wanted to travel more and maybe in 8 short years, I will visit 15 new countries. Here's hoping for an EU Rail trip and an Asian adventure.
2. HAVE A SCREENPLAY PRODUCED
This will be kept open and broad - cause it's already happened.
The Bungsu Story premiered in 2018, and under the poster said 'Screenplay by Bash Harry.' It showed in local cinemas, and in 2019, was nominated for Best Asian Drama at the First Asian Content Awards. That's pretty freaking cool.
I'd like to do that all over again. Write a new screenplay to be produced in the next decade, maybe even premiere globally. Right now, it's wishful thinking but that's where everything starts.
3. PUBLISH A NOVEL
There are murmurs of exciting things going on - that I can't quite talk about yet. This relates to it, kind of. I'd like to write a straight forward young adult fiction to be put on paper. A super cheesy love story of a girl meets boy to somehow finds herself along the way. That, or a story about Death.
I haven't decided yet.
4. LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY
I've done this already. Three short years in Great Britain, a town called Exeter where it's too quiet for me. In the next decade, I don't want to live somewhere too quiet. Not for the foreseeable future at least. I'd like to live in, or somewhere close to, a city. Whether Singapore or London for a few years or more, just to experience city life for a change.
5. BE HAPPY
Happiness is such a fickle thing - so asking for a feeling to be constant is an immediate failure.
That being said, I'd rather have the long term mindset of being okay, accepting that life is a constant rollercoaster but to prepare my feelings for it. Rather than succumb to the depressive episodes I get, I'd rather accept and move on. Grieve and carry forward. Happiness isn't supposed to be constant, but it is good to feel okay most days.
What are your goals for the 2020s?
with love,
Bash Harry
I haven't done one of these in a while.
My last Year in Review was in 2017, as I had finished up the first term of my second year. I think back and realize how much I missed in 2017. It was lackluster in comparison to the next two years, but I was surrounded by good friends and felt good about myself.
Earlier this year, I posted an overview of my January - August. It's a gentle reminder that less than five months ago, life felt emotional, reckless and terrifying. Now, looking back at the past four months, it has been nothing like that. It's better.
How did it go?
How did it go?
SEPTEMBER
- Kuala Lumpur with Tourism Malaysia
I found out Tourism Malaysia was taking me and Amirul Adli to Kuala Lumpur two days before the flight. Five days in a familiar city, with different people. I had grown to love Kuala Lumpur as a second home, and it still feels like it. Just a little bit louder, wilder and friendlier.
My favorite part of the trip was the quietest. I left the hotel for an old friend's flat where we stayed outside at the balcony, just chatting the night away. It's the little things like this that make me feel alive.
OCTOBER
- Joined an internship program for Climate Change
I feel like such an adult ever since I started my internship. An 8-hour workday at a fancy office, that I'm glad to spend with old friends. We spend most mornings finishing work as we chat about the future then go for lunch and bubble tea afterward. It's amazing.
NOVEMBER
- Busan, South Korea with the Busan Tourism Organisation
I went to South Korea and to be honest, I still can't believe it. It felt like a whirlwind of three/four days and the only recollection that I have is in film. As if the whole thing was a narcissistic surrealist's dream but it wasn't It was amazing, beautiful and cold - in a good way.
- One day in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
We had a 10-hour layover in Saigon before our next flight to South Korea, so I took the chance to get out. Saigon still rings in my ear - the honks and screeches of the traffic outside. One day in Ho Chi Minh is definitely not enough, but I'm still thankful I got to visit this city.
DECEMBER
- Performed as Madame Giry for Seeds Brunei's 10th Anniversary Show in Mystery of The Opera
I haven't been on stage for over five years but Seeds Brunei was celebrating its 10th Anniversary. It was the first home I ever made so I auditioned and was cast as Madame Giry - and I had to sing. It was terrifying, and it wasn't. All because of the amazing people in it.
Every weeknight spent singing and practicing with the family I missed so much. I've known most of them since I was 14, and now, we're older and much better.
- Performed spoken word at the launch of the Tiny Lit Festival
It was the first time I performed in spoken word since March, and the first time I performed in Brunei in over two years. The Real Word invited me as one of the speakers for the launch. It's inspiring to be surrounded by creative people flourishing, pouring hearts in poems and songs. Also, meeting some old friends that night. Quite nice.
And that was my 2019.
It felt like two different phases in my life, one absolutely horrible and the other quite good. I like to think it balanced out to a productive but dissociative year. What 2020 has in store the world can only wait. Good things perhaps but I can only hope.
How was your 2019?
with love,
Bash Harry
I can't believe it either.
Since I was 18, I wrote a '___ Things to Know' every year (except for 21, that was a video), and now here it is again. A compilation of short reflections from the past year, seeing how much change there's been. A lot.
Here are 22 Things to Know Before Turning 22.
2. You'll lose friends, that's okay
3. Own up to your mistakes. Admit, acknowledge and reflect
4. Find time for your hobbies, even if there is no time
5. Be alone, physically and personally by yourself. You'll miss it
6. Life can be overwhelming, take a step back and breath
7. It's okay to cry, it's not healthy to cry every day
8. Never let someone make you feel bad for doing something you enjoy
9. Wake up early, it's quiet in the morning
10. Long walks are good for your health
11. Embrace your 20s, it's so lively
13. You're allowed to like cheesy music
14. Don't be afraid to say 'I love you', and to stop saying 'I love you.'
15. Speak out even when no one wants to listen
16. Be proud of your achievements, you deserve it
17. Travel more, please travel more
18. Save money, even if it's really REALLY hard
19. You'll make friends in the unlikely of places
20. Help when asked, and offer when necessary
21. The sun is good for you, go outside
22. You'll be okay one day, just know that for now
What are the things you
need to know before turning 22?
It's been a while.
We haven't seen each other but we're still here, typing away into an existence that I don't know who else is reading. The tabs are up, photos are edited, all I have to do is hit Publish. It's harder than I expected.
I'm nervous to start all over, something old but still new. We'll have to try again. So I guess, let's get you updated.
Here's what I've done in the past year.
JANUARY
Went to Valencia, Spain with my housemates. Valencia is beautiful, it's January weather is pretty and cool, compared to the UK's dreary winter. The trip itself was bittersweet. In hindsight, it might have been one of the few times I felt good this year. Like everything was going to be alright.FEBRUARY
Was a guest speaker on Exeter Feminist Society's Body Positivity Panel Talk. FemSoc was so kind to invite me to discuss my personal struggle with body positivity especially as a WOC living in the UK, and being a content creator in the 21st century.Competed in UniSlam 2019. It was my second time joining with the Creative Writing Society, this time in Birmingham. I got to meet the amazing Melissa Lozada-Olivia, who was a judge. By the end of the three days, I somehow ended up dancing the night away with a bunch of poets and drag queens. I loved it.
MARCH
Let's skip March. I don't want to talk about March.
APRIL
Traveled to Venice, Italy. I say traveled but it's more appropriate to say 'ran away'. I didn't tell my parents I was going until I sat in my airplane seat, snapped a quick photo and said bye. They weren't very happy. Regardless, being alone in one of the most romantic cities in the world, I learned a few things. Particularly, a newfound love for solo traveling.
Watched Tessa Violet in Camden. I freaked out, I freaked out hard. She was tall and pretty and smelled so nice. My sister and I jammed along to her songs in a small set, singing our hearts out with some 'Bad Ideas' and 'Crush.' What a fantastic nice.
MAY
Finished my only exam, the final one at that. In three hours at the Amory building, my degree was finished and I breathed a sigh of relief. The first thing I did was go home and take a nap. Thank god, Uni was over.
Escaped to Paris, France with my sister. Just a few days after my last exam, Syasya and I boarded a coach from Victoria Coach Station to Paris, France. It was an exhausting nine-hour bus ride for three days. Paris is strange, beautiful in the expected places but nothing more.
JUNE
Traveled to Malta for a quick getaway. A young adult's party place but it wasn't what I expected. Though the Valletta streets were beautiful and the Blue Lagoon was amazing, I wish I did a few things differently. Malta was a bittersweet adventure, beautiful but a bit of a mess.
Flew to Budapest, Hungary and felt like a princess. It was a harrowing journey, I canceled my hostel last minute and searched for a new one just before my flight. It was all worth it though for just a few moments alone at the Fisherman's Bastion and the heated pools of Gellert Baths.
JULY
Oh wow, I actually graduated. Three years of law school for a piece of paper, three years I'll never get back. I'm thankful this part of my life is finally over but I know I'll miss it. More than anything else, I'm happy I survived with my head still attached to shoulders.
Visited a friend in Brighton, my second time in the rainbow city. It's the perfect Summer scene to rest and relax under the sun.
AUGUST
Came back home. My friends surprised me with a surprise afternoon tea.
Two friends came to visit for Brunei for a short while. Georgia stayed for a few days, while Zahra spent 7 hours exploring before her flight back. It was great to show my UK friends around my home.
Turned 22 years old with a birthday party. Family came at 3, friends at 5. We spent the night singing our lungs out with some karaoke, and taking swims in the pool. For the first time in a while, I felt at peace with growing up. 22 isn't going to be so bad.
2019 has been wild, and it's only September.
In just nine months, I've explored eight different countries, fallen in and out of love, spent too much time crying over things I shouldn't have cried over. Life is weird, what was important in January feels small now. I'm not complaining, just contemplating.
Whatever happens in the next few months will happen regardless, I'll just have to let it happen.
In just nine months, I've explored eight different countries, fallen in and out of love, spent too much time crying over things I shouldn't have cried over. Life is weird, what was important in January feels small now. I'm not complaining, just contemplating.
Whatever happens in the next few months will happen regardless, I'll just have to let it happen.
What have you been up to
this year?
Call it soul-searching or a spontaneous adventure.
It was more likely an outburst spurred by frustration.
It could've been any country, any city in fact. My mind wasn't working right, and I was so desperate to do something stupid. The night before, I looked at Oslo and Copenhagen. Anywhere cheap and pretty would have sufficed. Instead, I settled on a romantic round-trip for one to Venice.
A few days later, I took the train to Bristol Airport and sent a quick text to my parents as the plane took off. They weren't happy. Only when I landed in Italy did I realize, 'holy shit, I'm all alone.'
I had nothing to run away from except crippling stress and frustration, and the need to do something with my life - a void that has yet to be filled. Calling my trip a quick getaway or holiday would be more realistic, but my melodramatic self refuses that. I ran away from my problems and that was that.
What had caused me to go to Venice was an amalgamation of problems. Most of them due to my own senseless decisions. I made mistakes, I was wrong and I was alone. Loneliness when you thought you were loved aches. There was a kind of guilt. I was shamed, deserted and in my head, I deserved it.
You can only take so much at once.
I don't condone running away from your problems, but taking a break helps.
God knows we need it sometimes.
What was an impulsive opportunity became one of the best trips of my life. It was cathartic. Venice was beautiful as expected, and I left calmer than I had been for the last few weeks. I walked along the narrow streets, ate amazing Italian cuisine and learned how to take better self-portraits. Most of all, I learn that loneliness isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Sometimes, it can be a wonderful friend.
I don't regret solo traveling at all.
If possible, I recommend solo traveling to everyone. Learning to love your own company is forced upon in a new place. I'm definitely going to do it again, preferably with a better state of mind. Perhaps Paris or Malta once exams are finished.
Until then, I'll just keep dreaming of Venice.
Where are you off to next?
*insert
'you're so racist to white people'
comment here*
'you're so racist to white people'
comment here*
"We're living in a post-racial society."
"I don't see colour."
"You're exaggerating."
I am not writing this for white people. I am writing this for catharsis.
The acceptance I am not going to please everyone, especially those whose ideas are already set. I am too SJW, too PC, too feminist. I've become so desensitized that they aren't insulting anymore. I find those people ignorant.
I'm making mountains out of molehills. It's not a big deal. Stay quiet, stay complicit.
"You're doing this for attention."
"I don't see colour."
"You're exaggerating."
I am not writing this for white people. I am writing this for catharsis.
The acceptance I am not going to please everyone, especially those whose ideas are already set. I am too SJW, too PC, too feminist. I've become so desensitized that they aren't insulting anymore. I find those people ignorant.
I'm making mountains out of molehills. It's not a big deal. Stay quiet, stay complicit.
"You're doing this for attention."
It's scary to know you feel different because you are different.
They don't see color because they never needed to confront their race. Worried that the color of their skin affects reality's perception of them and vice-versa. I walk a dangerous line every day, trying to fit in without erasing my Muslim and Asian identity - just enough that I don't get called a terrorist on the streets anymore.
"No, you're prettier without your hijab."
"Take that thing off."
"You don't really believe, do you?"
I hear people comment at the expense of us. My first reaction is to shout and cause a scene. Instead, my lips are tight and they stay silent. I can't challenge people who have made up their mind. It cannot always be me who educates the uneducated. It's mentally exhausting to explain basic human morality to people who don't want to listen anyway.
When someone looks at me, they think Asian. They think immigrant. They think 'you don't belong here.'
That's fine. I don't want a place that doesn't want me.
For my law modules and my own commitment to read books written by women of colour this year, I've been reading intersectional feminist literature. One book that came highly recommended was Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge. The stories of Black struggles in the UK hidden in history.
I am not black. I will never learn fully understand their struggles in an ever-divided society, but I can relate. The colonization of Brunei, the White Rajah of Sarawak, and the lasting effects of colonialism. We will never know a life without British invasion because we still reel in the effects.
The past is the past, but we are still affected now. That doesn't change. Systematic oppression and casual racism still strong, and the rise of racially-motivated attacks are ignored by the public. I can't keep screaming or else I'd lose my voice.
There's no point to this post. It was written after finish a good book, and having one too many conversations where there was no conclusion. Rather than attempting to reaffirm bias, stop instead. Challenge the bias and listen to the minority.
I will start talking when white people start listening.
I'm still here, still breathing, still alive. Just tired.
I'm growing a bit more tired every day.
School life, personal life, and professional life seem to clash every other day. It's a perpetual balance except everything's falling and the metaphor is all wrong. I know I complain too much. My therapist thinks so too but she phrases it differently. Figure out what you want out of life, give yourself space, take a break. So I did.
And I hated it.
I'm not suited for a quiet life.
As melodramatic as it sounds, boredom is my worst fear. I realised that after three months of silence on this blog. I wanted to write but lacked inspiration, I didn't have to write, I needed the space. I crave the silence but I know if I had a day of nothing, I'd grow anxious. I would start another side-hustle whilst learning how to juggle and do the splits. I'd make myself busy.
Not a good idea for someone who is physically, emotionally and mentally, a f*cking mess.
I know I'm a mess.
I once cried to models at an ASOS photoshoot I organized because I thought I hadn't eaten the whole day, only to find a half-eaten veggie wrap in my schoolbag. That was my dinner in the evening and breakfast the next morning.
I'm the most functional dysfunctional mess you'll meet, but I'm still a mess nonetheless.
Work is piling up, law school makes me cry, graduation is looming over me, and don't get me started on relationships. My life is crumbling. I'm barely clinging on with chipped nails gripping at the edges. At least I'm still here and alive.
Sometimes, I think that's the best thing I do now.
"I'm still alive and I have to stay alive," has been my main mantra since I was nineteen. I don't know if that's a good thing anymore.
I'm about to graduate. That terrifies me. It's the time where I need to find a place in this world, wherever that is, or else I'm going to float through as I have the past three years. I'm not ready at all. Staying alive is great, I'm breathing and I'm okay. I just have to start living again.
God help me.
How was your 2018?
I don't think I'm a poet.
An occasionally poetic writer maybe, but hardly a poet. I can't construct poems on a whim, written with such depth for the world to see. No, I write prose like I write in my non-existent diary. Floral, emotional and probably fictional.
But somehow, in 2017, I auditioned for the University of Exeter Team for UniSlam 2018. And I got it. Here's a snippet of the adventure.
have you ever been to a poetry slam?
with love,
Reflecting on the past and excited for the future. As such, I looked back at my old blog posts. I didn't post as often as I wanted to, but I can't blame myself. I enjoyed 2017 a bit too much. Still, I found a few hidden gems.
Here are my favourite blog posts of 2017.
Never in a million years did I think I could go to London Fashion Week, and yet I did.
When I received the invitations, I got heart palpations. I packed a full suitcase worth of clothes and shoes. It was so exciting to watch all these shows, nervous as I was a spectator in this huge event. Watching it unfold in front of my eyes, nerve-wrecking and a true dream come true.
I wrote this blog post on an emotional day. I felt so unpretty and so unhappy with myself.
Angry with myself, my body, and my mind, I sat down on my unmade bed and spilled these thoughts. A few days later, I rescheduled a shoot, and took these photos instead. No makeup, veins popping and eyes dark as usual. It's one of my most honest posts ever, and maybe that's why I loved it.
Head in His Clouds
As I mentioned in My Year in Review, I wrote this prose in May, spent June perfecting it and publishing in July.
This post took the longest to publish. At the time, it meant so much. I wrote it on a whim, at three in the morning. Inspired by a boy I know or knew, depending on when you ask me. Now, while my feelings have changed, this post resonates with me as a reminder. Emotions stay with you, sometimes for the best.
#Me Too:
My Three Stories of Sexual Harassment
My Three Stories of Sexual Harassment
In light of the Harvey Weinstein allegations, many strong men and women have come out with their sexual harassment stories. As support, I wrote about some of my experiences.
I should note; these are not all of my experiences. If I have to write down every single time I was harassed, by someone I knew or stranger on the street, it would be endless. People are still surprised when I mention these experiences aren't the worst, just the ones I was comfortable to discuss.
People have called me whitewashed, westernised, white girl. Whether as a joke or insult, it does affect me regardless. As someone raised Bruneian and identifies as Malay, I wondered if I was lesser than others because my (lack of) language skills.
So I made a video about it.
Now, I can look forward to the blog posts I will write this 2018. Goodness knows how those will be.
what was your favourite blog post of 2017?
with love,
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