Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
It's been a while.
We haven't seen each other but we're still here, typing away into an existence that I don't know who else is reading. The tabs are up, photos are edited, all I have to do is hit Publish. It's harder than I expected.
I'm nervous to start all over, something old but still new. We'll have to try again. So I guess, let's get you updated.
Here's what I've done in the past year.
JANUARY
Went to Valencia, Spain with my housemates. Valencia is beautiful, it's January weather is pretty and cool, compared to the UK's dreary winter. The trip itself was bittersweet. In hindsight, it might have been one of the few times I felt good this year. Like everything was going to be alright.FEBRUARY
Was a guest speaker on Exeter Feminist Society's Body Positivity Panel Talk. FemSoc was so kind to invite me to discuss my personal struggle with body positivity especially as a WOC living in the UK, and being a content creator in the 21st century.Competed in UniSlam 2019. It was my second time joining with the Creative Writing Society, this time in Birmingham. I got to meet the amazing Melissa Lozada-Olivia, who was a judge. By the end of the three days, I somehow ended up dancing the night away with a bunch of poets and drag queens. I loved it.
MARCH
Let's skip March. I don't want to talk about March.
APRIL
Traveled to Venice, Italy. I say traveled but it's more appropriate to say 'ran away'. I didn't tell my parents I was going until I sat in my airplane seat, snapped a quick photo and said bye. They weren't very happy. Regardless, being alone in one of the most romantic cities in the world, I learned a few things. Particularly, a newfound love for solo traveling.
Watched Tessa Violet in Camden. I freaked out, I freaked out hard. She was tall and pretty and smelled so nice. My sister and I jammed along to her songs in a small set, singing our hearts out with some 'Bad Ideas' and 'Crush.' What a fantastic nice.
MAY
Finished my only exam, the final one at that. In three hours at the Amory building, my degree was finished and I breathed a sigh of relief. The first thing I did was go home and take a nap. Thank god, Uni was over.
Escaped to Paris, France with my sister. Just a few days after my last exam, Syasya and I boarded a coach from Victoria Coach Station to Paris, France. It was an exhausting nine-hour bus ride for three days. Paris is strange, beautiful in the expected places but nothing more.
JUNE
Traveled to Malta for a quick getaway. A young adult's party place but it wasn't what I expected. Though the Valletta streets were beautiful and the Blue Lagoon was amazing, I wish I did a few things differently. Malta was a bittersweet adventure, beautiful but a bit of a mess.
Flew to Budapest, Hungary and felt like a princess. It was a harrowing journey, I canceled my hostel last minute and searched for a new one just before my flight. It was all worth it though for just a few moments alone at the Fisherman's Bastion and the heated pools of Gellert Baths.
JULY
Oh wow, I actually graduated. Three years of law school for a piece of paper, three years I'll never get back. I'm thankful this part of my life is finally over but I know I'll miss it. More than anything else, I'm happy I survived with my head still attached to shoulders.
Visited a friend in Brighton, my second time in the rainbow city. It's the perfect Summer scene to rest and relax under the sun.
AUGUST
Came back home. My friends surprised me with a surprise afternoon tea.
Two friends came to visit for Brunei for a short while. Georgia stayed for a few days, while Zahra spent 7 hours exploring before her flight back. It was great to show my UK friends around my home.
Turned 22 years old with a birthday party. Family came at 3, friends at 5. We spent the night singing our lungs out with some karaoke, and taking swims in the pool. For the first time in a while, I felt at peace with growing up. 22 isn't going to be so bad.
2019 has been wild, and it's only September.
In just nine months, I've explored eight different countries, fallen in and out of love, spent too much time crying over things I shouldn't have cried over. Life is weird, what was important in January feels small now. I'm not complaining, just contemplating.
Whatever happens in the next few months will happen regardless, I'll just have to let it happen.
In just nine months, I've explored eight different countries, fallen in and out of love, spent too much time crying over things I shouldn't have cried over. Life is weird, what was important in January feels small now. I'm not complaining, just contemplating.
Whatever happens in the next few months will happen regardless, I'll just have to let it happen.
What have you been up to
this year?
I don't think I'm a poet.
An occasionally poetic writer maybe, but hardly a poet. I can't construct poems on a whim, written with such depth for the world to see. No, I write prose like I write in my non-existent diary. Floral, emotional and probably fictional.
But somehow, in 2017, I auditioned for the University of Exeter Team for UniSlam 2018. And I got it. Here's a snippet of the adventure.
have you ever been to a poetry slam?
with love,
Happy New Year!
To say 2017 was interesting would be an understatement. It seems like every year, we're descending into madness or rising up to maintain our sanity. I assume 2018 will be no different. The same fears, but with a hopeful mindset we promote with every new year.
To start us off, here are 18 things to do in 2018!
To start us off, here are 18 things to do in 2018!
1. Go on an adventure! Preferably outdoors with some sun.
2. Find a sport you enjoy. A bit of beginner's yoga or boxing each week can start something new.
3. Read more. Immerse yourself in fantasy books or political articles. There is power in reading.
4. Ask questions you want the answers to. It's better to learn the truth now than live in the uncertain.
5. Find people to love, to talk, and to feel. They don't have to necessarily be one person.
6. Dance in your bedroom alone, sway to the rhythm of your heart and love how stupid you look.
7. Buy that cute top that looks good on you. It hugs your silhouette and makes you feel beautiful.
8. Waste time looking outside the window, watch cars pass by, and imagine the passengers' lives. They must be so cool.
9. Do something that scares and excites you. Accomplishing it will feel amazing.
10. Limit your bad habits. You don't have to remove them completely, just start slow.
11. Adjust your lifestyle slowly (if you're unhappy). Wake up earlier, cut out junk food, run every other day.
12. Limit your 'no's' so they mean more, and say 'yes' often so you experience more.
13. Compliment people. Tell that girl her dress is pretty or the boy that his smile is beautiful.
14. Give advice when approached. It means they trust your judgement, even if you have to repeat the same advice over and over again.
15. Love without boundaries, and apologise with care. Feelings are complex and fickle, but we need them.
16. Be better than you think you are.
17. Forgive yourself, you can't keep hating yourself.
18. Look forward to the future, and make most of it.
Late nights and emotional instability makes me a pseudo-intellectual, sentimental writer. As you can tell. For more insipid things, you can read 17 Things to Do in 2017 and 16 Things to Do in 2016. Both overdramatic pieces in their own right.
Regardless, I hope this provides some inspiration to what you will do in 2018. As long as we do. So long as we are still breathing, still surviving and still rising, I think we'll be alright.
so what will you do in 2018?
with love,
I'm trying to remember 2017.
Early in the year, I promised myself I would cherish every moment in every month. I would recount the good and bad, and the in-betweens. A sort of journal, noting if anything significant happened even it seemed so insignificant at the time. I'm glad I succeeded.
The year didn't pass me by this time. This was my 2017.
JANUARY
- Posted my thoughts on 2016 where I questioned why the year felt so horrible. Long story short, mental illness is still stigmatised but rather than repress, it's better to seek help. Which I did in January, and I am so proud that I did.
- Invited to my first London Fashion Week. I consider it a great (if not terrifying) learning experience, meeting new people and realising I wasn't alone in the madness. It was four days of clothes, shows and more clothes. By the end of it, I was so happy to be back in Exeter. You can watch My Fashion Week Vlog here.
- After three years, three dentists and too much paper work, I took off my braces. Finally. Once the dentist pulled the metal cage off, I saw my teeth bare for the first time. And realised how small they were. One insecurity lost, another insecurity gained.
- Visited my friend in Cambridge. He claimed Cambridge was prettier than Exeter, and he was right. It was beautiful and scenic, and made me feel more disappointed I didn't get into University of Cambridge.
- I watched Jon Bellion perform. It was my first concert, a small arena in Shepherd's Bush. I waited half an hour before he came on stage. He sang my favourite songs. The crowd cheered on, and I screamed my throat away. It was amazing.
- Watched Harry Potter And The Cursed Child. The security personnel told me I was the happiest fan he ever met. I told him I didn't know I was watching until two weeks before. Meeting the original cast and having them sign my book was truly a dream come true.
- I published an article for Accessorize, writing tutorials on How To Tie Your Hijab. It was an incredible opportunity for a small blogger like me. When they approached me, I immediately said yes. How exciting it was to write for them!
- Apart from a bit of heartache but nothing crushing, June was quiet. I came back to Brunei, spent three weeks sleeping in the day and celebrated Eid with my family. It was relaxing and I loved it.
JULY
- Published Head in His Clouds. I wrote this prose back in May, spending a majority of June perfecting it, and met with photographers to see it come to life. The photos resonated with the post. To this day, It is perhaps my favourite piece I published so far.
- Attempted VEDA and succeeded! Well, 95% but that's still an A. I filmed and uploaded a video every day in August, ranging from Literal Five Minute Makeup to Spoken Word to Carpool Karaoke. Most of the month was spent working in creating daily, I almost forgot I turned 20.
- Went to my second London Fashion Week. I found myself experiencing a full week of LFW, with invitations to, at least, one show a day. It was such a long week that I had to condense each day to three different posts, chronicling Day 1, Day 2 & 3, and Day 4 & 5 respectively.
- Performed in Exeter for the first time. I took the initiative to join the Creative Writing Society, which in turn, inspired me to perform Head in His Clouds. My friends watched and clapped, they never saw me perform until then. I hope they enjoyed it.
- Did Three Days of Halloween, or alternatively titled Three Days of SFX Makeup which I haven't done in years. I dressed up as a half-ripped face skeleton, then scarred Red Riding Hood then Corpse Bride. Guess which is my favourite. (It’s the one where I painted my whole face blue)
- Joined University of Exeter International Forum Market. The BruEx Society was invited to join, selling our local food on campus. I dressed in a traditional Baju Kurung, forgetting it was 2 sizes too small. Regardless, the society raised money and shared a little bit of Brunei to our university.
- Went to EUFC Christmas Dinner. A lot of my friends are fencers, and somehow, I’ve managed to infiltrate the club much to their displeasure. As such, I went to their Christmas Dinner and had a wonderful time feeling festive with my friends. We danced the night away, with joy stitched across our sleeves.
It's interesting to review my own year and how the world has affected it. 2017 was a whirlwind of emotions, events and stories. I like to think I had personal growth, I'm not as naive but I'm no longer as sad. It's a balance.
Now, we have 2018 to look towards.
Now, we have 2018 to look towards.
how was your 2017?
with love,
Since I don't celebrate Christmas nor do I partake in anything remotely cheery. It's different this year though as I'm spending my December alone. While it's not as depressing as it sounds, I found myself wistful of things I took for granted.
So here are 12 things I'm grateful for this year.
Candy cotton skies, swirling purple and yellow and reddish hues, climbing atop the world. Then drifting off to sleep by dusk.
2. My Family.
7020 miles away, through an 18 hour flight and 2 transits. They annoy me, they bother me, they irritate me but I miss them regardless.
3. Friends.
The ones I have now, and those I once had. We fill rooms with our laughter. We sing out of tune in cars. We loved so much and yet it still wasn't enough.
4. The Weather.
Cold wind brushing against skin, turning my cheeks pink. The layers upon layers I wear to brave the air. It's a small reminder I'm no longer in tiny South East Asia. That makes me so happy.
5. Sweets.
Delicate hot chocolate or sour gummy bears, anything I get my hands on. I love biting into a lolly, and finding a surprise. Candy will always be my favourite sinful treat.
6. Strangers.
I meet some wonderful people I know I will never meet again. They tell me stories of their grown-up children, or how pretty my dress looks. Those kind smiles I receive outweigh the glares I get.
I will be first to admit my distaste for them as gifts, but the first to mention my favourite are white roses. If we never had flowers, they would have never inspired poetry. What a dull world to live in.
8. Ink.
My fingers are perpetually ink-stained from bad pens. I don't hate it though. When I notice a blue spot on my finger or a short to do list on my palm, I know I'm writing and that's all I want.
9. White Noise.
When I forget my headphones, I listen to the silence instead. You hear cars driving by, old women speaking in their native tongue, bells ringing and coffee machines buzzing. The world is full of music.
10. Neon Lights.
Especially at night. The bright signs of corner stores and cheap food joints excite me more than they should. It reminds me the night is awake, even if I am not.
11. Long Walks.
I walk more now. Over 10,000 a day almost everyday. Living far from friends will make you move. I often complain as I am late. But I need those quiet walks alone sometimes, it clears my head.
12. Home.
A home doesn't have to be a house, but it could be.
Where I slip my stockings off, make hot Hibiscus tea, and unwind in an unmade bed. Sometimes, it is another place like a familiar cafe where the cashier knows my order before I speak. Other times, it is a person who shares the same story over and over but I still act surprised at the ending.
Whatever, wherever and whoever home is, I am happy to have a home.
But we can still help.
Centrepoint is a UK-based charity, aiming to help and sponsor homeless youth. More than 150,000 young people are homeless due to finance, abusive families, mental illness etc. Centrepoint provides housing, health support and life skills during these times.
You can make a one time donation of £18 to fund a safe place, or monthly £5 donation to pay for vital basics. The money will provide young people with a future, which is something we all deserve.
Thank you so much.
What are you grateful for?
with love,
trigger warning. sexual harassment.
As you can assume from the title.
Since October, brave women have been telling their sexual harassment stories with the hashtag #MeToo. I thought I would finally share my own. This post is only limited to three stories, but there are more. More than I can care to have.
These are just three of the countless.
ONE
JULY 2016
A notification popped up. "Instagram: [someone] wants to send you a message." Almost instinctively, I tapped it as one does. On my screen was a grammatically incorrect wall of text and a picture of a Malay man's genitals. Short, stiff and gross.
"It's urs if u want it :P"
He said he masturbates to my Instagram. He wanted me to send pictures. He thought I wanted to. I told him he was repulsive. I blocked him and I went to bed.
I woke up the morning with a new notification. Different account, same person. He apologised, it was never his intention to degrade me. He asked me out for coffee, I declined.
He called me a 'stuck-up slut.'
I told him it was an oxymoron, and blocked him again.
TWO
DECEMBER 2016
Alone, wrapped in a plain brown hijab with headphones on, clutching heavy shopping bags. A Middle Eastern man, mid-to-late twenties, walked towards me. He held his arms out, gestured to my body. He licked his lips and asked if I was looking for a husband.
"Mashallah Habibi, you are too beautiful to be lonely."
"Talk to me, baby."
"I can make you so happy."
He followed me until I ran into a Marks & Spencers. I waited by the racks until he disappeared into the crowd. I didn't leave until thirty minutes later, when my heartbeat slowed down and my eyes weren't so red.
I took a cab back home that evening.
THREE
MAY 2017
I was talking to a male friend outside a busy pub.
I wore leggings and a red dress past my knees, he wore a blue t-shirt and jeans. We chatted about the end of first year when a man came over to us, looking for a lighter for his cigarette. We told him we didn't smoke. He offered to buy us champagne. We told him we didn't drink. He asked for our names. I lied, and said 'Harry.'
"Why do you have a man's name?" He asked in a thick Eastern European accent.
I joked, "Because I have balls."
The stranger leaned down and lifted my skirt. His eyes looking up. I swatted his hand, and pushed my skirt down. He then whispered in my ear, "You're too pretty to have balls."
I wanted to say something. "And you're too much of dick to get laid."
I wanted to slap him. Painful enough to leave a red welt.
I wanted to scream. Instead, my friend and I stood in awkward silence. The stranger walked away, still looking for a light.
"What the hell was that?" My friend finally spoke up. I sighed, crossing my legs. I pressed my arms against my chest, and wished I wore trousers.
"It happens."
Sexual harassment happens. Regardless of what is worn, regardless of time and place, regardless of company or lack of.
They weren't factors as to why I was harassed.
I was harassed because there are men in this world who think women are lesser than them. As if we crave their attention or demand their validation. There is a power struggle in them, that could be satisfied by demeaning women. In their eyes, we wanted it. We wanted them.
Whether we knew it or not.
Do you have any stories of sexual harassment?
with love,
A Law Q&A from actual law students.
As Term 1 winds down, my friend and I sat down to answer some questions I received from Instagram. This is my third Q&A up on my channel. This time around, there is a good reason. It can be considered educational since it is a Law School Q&A.
Enjoy!
A big thanks to my friend Sam Boughton for joining me in this Q&A. He's seen me break down in the library, I've seen him knock a bottle before an exam. It's a great friendship based on mutual hatred of law school.
You can follow him on Instagram here.
Would you like more Q&A like these?
I have a Trusts lecture in half an hour (if I decide to go). My laptop is at 27% percent and phone even less. My friends sit across me, watching another episode of Rick & Morty while our other friend takes a nap. I'm pretending I don't have any more work and knowing I have plenty.
The blogger tab sits there, as I attempt to write something with meaning and moral. I fail. So I write this instead.
A sort of hello again.
The blogger tab sits there, as I attempt to write something with meaning and moral. I fail. So I write this instead.
A sort of hello again.
I've written a few posts like this, in the past, when I take unexpected breaks. I usually blame law school and my ineptitude to balance every single aspect of life. I still do.
Blogging became an outlet when I had little to do and much to say. That was three years ago. Now, I have much to do and little to say. Trying to maintain a social life, assignments, scripts among other things. Those stressful nights on a friend's couch with red eyes and hot tea, or the bruises that never fade. Just the overwhelming sense of dread.
When it's too much to handle, I crawl elsewhere to a safe place. What was once writing on laptop in my bedroom is now somewhere with open arms and a warm smile.
"You'll be fine. I know you will be." My friend whispers as I lay in their bed. Huddled under the covers, the rain heavy. "You've got a pretty cool life, pretty cool blog, and you're pretty and cool yourself."
I laugh, "Barely, always barely."
When they said it, it's somehow enough. Barely is good enough.
Blogging became an outlet when I had little to do and much to say. That was three years ago. Now, I have much to do and little to say. Trying to maintain a social life, assignments, scripts among other things. Those stressful nights on a friend's couch with red eyes and hot tea, or the bruises that never fade. Just the overwhelming sense of dread.
When it's too much to handle, I crawl elsewhere to a safe place. What was once writing on laptop in my bedroom is now somewhere with open arms and a warm smile.
"You'll be fine. I know you will be." My friend whispers as I lay in their bed. Huddled under the covers, the rain heavy. "You've got a pretty cool life, pretty cool blog, and you're pretty and cool yourself."
I laugh, "Barely, always barely."
When they said it, it's somehow enough. Barely is good enough.
Life outside of cyberspace is good.
I write more, I exercise often and I have a semblance of a proper diet. My friends are goofy but kind, school is stressful but decent, and I'm happier. I'ml more human than I've felt in months. Even if it's just barely, it's still something.
It's still feeling.
Right now, I want to know I can feel again.
Though I won't be as consistent as I was in Summer, this is me trying. In a bad attempt to balance regular blogging into an already-full schedule. After all, I have an assignment worth 40% of a module due in two weeks.
Who knows how I will feel in the coming weeks. Speaking of feelings...
Who knows how I will feel in the coming weeks. Speaking of feelings...
how are you?
with love,
After I turned 20, this post was inevitable.
After all, I've done 18 Things to Know Before Turning 18 and 19 Things to Know Before Turning 19. So this post, 20 Things, is the obvious sequel in the series.
Much to my displeasure, I can't call myself a 'teen' anymore. Too old now to be a youth, now a young adult. I grimace at the word. Though I haven't felt like a youth or a young adult for sometime. Rather a decrepit without the maturity, clinging onto remnants of past selves.
Nevertheless, the decrepit still has some wisdom. At least, claimed but rarely true. Here are 20 Things to Know Before Turning 20...
Much to my displeasure, I can't call myself a 'teen' anymore. Too old now to be a youth, now a young adult. I grimace at the word. Though I haven't felt like a youth or a young adult for sometime. Rather a decrepit without the maturity, clinging onto remnants of past selves.
Nevertheless, the decrepit still has some wisdom. At least, claimed but rarely true. Here are 20 Things to Know Before Turning 20...
2 . The temporary company you keep is almost as good as the permanent. Almost.
3 . Happiness is a rarity rarely constant. Appreciate it while it lasts.
4 . Leave the broken things behind, and mend what is left.
5 . You can delay the inevitable, but it is still the inevitable.
6 . What seems right on paper can be so wrong in life.
7 . It is righteous to forgive, but do so in your own time.
8 . You will make friends, even in the most unfriendly situations.
9 . Expect failure and accept it.
10 . Social media isn't worth it. Trust me.
12 . Do things for the sake of doing them. You will only regret some of them.
13 . There are some stories best left as secrets.
14 . Your friends are idiots. You're an idiot. Revel in your idiocy.
15 . Don't be racist, don't be sexist. Don't be hatin'. Call people out when they are.
16 . Some will love you and some will hate you. You don't need to reciprocate those feelings.
17 . You are yours before you are anyone's anything.
18 . Never stop finding fun in the most un-fun of times.
19 . You will be afraid. Feel the fear, and do it anyway.
20 . Life is worth living. Never forget that.
scarf : (similar) | earrings : Lovisa Jewellery
sweater : Poplook | jeans : Superdry
shoes : Summit
Well, there goes another melodramatic post.
It seems imminent I become emotional in August. More emotional than usual, I may add. I was like this when I turned 18, and likewise at 19. The posts around those times are proof. This is no exception. Encapsulating my mindset for the year before and the year to come.
For better or worse.
For better or worse.
What is something you want to know before turning 20?
with love,
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
