It took 19 months, a second wave, and the urge to get my fingers typing again. Blogging has always been cathartic, a great way to spill my anxieties into the internet void. Thinking maybe I could write any troubles away, and hoping that it would all be okay in the end.
It's been a process.
I have been blogging on-and-off for six years now. I started when I was sixteen and I just turned twenty-four barely two months ago.
The past six years can only be described as tumultuous as expected. The movies and books I watched as a kid never quite prepared me for what young adulthood would actually be like. I laughed a lot, cried a lot and I grew up. Hopefully for the better. And this little corner of the internet has been with me, through thick and thin.
It's been the corner I have been able to share makeup tips, and fashion inspiration, and complain. Mostly complain if I'm being honest.
Every few months or so, I would read back old blog posts from different eras of my life. My eyes passing through the screen, wondering why I barely recognized myself. I don't look like that anymore. My hair is much longer and dyed brown, I have put on healthy weight and my smiles are real this time. The colours seem more saturated.
I find that good.
It's like an archive of my mental state at that specific moment. I am reminded of nights I would write than study or walks back to my student dorm while I listen to the same Taylor Swift song on repeat. It is the long car rides in silence with people I don't see anymore. It is crying on the bus after a day in London. It is youth captured forever on the internet.
Funny how life passes so fast.
At twenty-four, I know I still got a lot of life to live.
I am not where I thought I would be when I first started Hey Bash. I am much older but still itching to make the silly decisions that sixteen-year-old me would have wanted. Experiencing as much as I can, then a little bit more.
I hope you'll join me.
With love, Bash
instagram: @bashharry | tiktok: @bashharry | twitter: @heybash
JANUARY
Went to Valencia, Spain with my housemates. Valencia is beautiful, it's January weather is pretty and cool, compared to the UK's dreary winter. The trip itself was bittersweet. In hindsight, it might have been one of the few times I felt good this year. Like everything was going to be alright.FEBRUARY
Was a guest speaker on Exeter Feminist Society's Body Positivity Panel Talk. FemSoc was so kind to invite me to discuss my personal struggle with body positivity especially as a WOC living in the UK, and being a content creator in the 21st century.Competed in UniSlam 2019. It was my second time joining with the Creative Writing Society, this time in Birmingham. I got to meet the amazing Melissa Lozada-Olivia, who was a judge. By the end of the three days, I somehow ended up dancing the night away with a bunch of poets and drag queens. I loved it.
MARCH
Let's skip March. I don't want to talk about March.APRIL
Traveled to Venice, Italy. I say traveled but it's more appropriate to say 'ran away'. I didn't tell my parents I was going until I sat in my airplane seat, snapped a quick photo and said bye. They weren't very happy. Regardless, being alone in one of the most romantic cities in the world, I learned a few things. Particularly, a newfound love for solo traveling.
Watched Tessa Violet in Camden. I freaked out, I freaked out hard. She was tall and pretty and smelled so nice. My sister and I jammed along to her songs in a small set, singing our hearts out with some 'Bad Ideas' and 'Crush.' What a fantastic nice.
MAY
Finished my only exam, the final one at that. In three hours at the Amory building, my degree was finished and I breathed a sigh of relief. The first thing I did was go home and take a nap. Thank god, Uni was over.
Escaped to Paris, France with my sister. Just a few days after my last exam, Syasya and I boarded a coach from Victoria Coach Station to Paris, France. It was an exhausting nine-hour bus ride for three days. Paris is strange, beautiful in the expected places but nothing more.
JUNE
Traveled to Malta for a quick getaway. A young adult's party place but it wasn't what I expected. Though the Valletta streets were beautiful and the Blue Lagoon was amazing, I wish I did a few things differently. Malta was a bittersweet adventure, beautiful but a bit of a mess.
Flew to Budapest, Hungary and felt like a princess. It was a harrowing journey, I canceled my hostel last minute and searched for a new one just before my flight. It was all worth it though for just a few moments alone at the Fisherman's Bastion and the heated pools of Gellert Baths.
JULY
Oh wow, I actually graduated. Three years of law school for a piece of paper, three years I'll never get back. I'm thankful this part of my life is finally over but I know I'll miss it. More than anything else, I'm happy I survived with my head still attached to shoulders.
Visited a friend in Brighton, my second time in the rainbow city. It's the perfect Summer scene to rest and relax under the sun.
AUGUST
Came back home. My friends surprised me with a surprise afternoon tea.
Two friends came to visit for Brunei for a short while. Georgia stayed for a few days, while Zahra spent 7 hours exploring before her flight back. It was great to show my UK friends around my home.
Turned 22 years old with a birthday party. Family came at 3, friends at 5. We spent the night singing our lungs out with some karaoke, and taking swims in the pool. For the first time in a while, I felt at peace with growing up. 22 isn't going to be so bad.
In just nine months, I've explored eight different countries, fallen in and out of love, spent too much time crying over things I shouldn't have cried over. Life is weird, what was important in January feels small now. I'm not complaining, just contemplating.
Whatever happens in the next few months will happen regardless, I'll just have to let it happen.
To start us off, here are 18 things to do in 2018!
Regardless, I hope this provides some inspiration to what you will do in 2018. As long as we do. So long as we are still breathing, still surviving and still rising, I think we'll be alright.
JANUARY
- Posted my thoughts on 2016 where I questioned why the year felt so horrible. Long story short, mental illness is still stigmatised but rather than repress, it's better to seek help. Which I did in January, and I am so proud that I did.
- Invited to my first London Fashion Week. I consider it a great (if not terrifying) learning experience, meeting new people and realising I wasn't alone in the madness. It was four days of clothes, shows and more clothes. By the end of it, I was so happy to be back in Exeter. You can watch My Fashion Week Vlog here.
- After three years, three dentists and too much paper work, I took off my braces. Finally. Once the dentist pulled the metal cage off, I saw my teeth bare for the first time. And realised how small they were. One insecurity lost, another insecurity gained.
- Visited my friend in Cambridge. He claimed Cambridge was prettier than Exeter, and he was right. It was beautiful and scenic, and made me feel more disappointed I didn't get into University of Cambridge.
- I watched Jon Bellion perform. It was my first concert, a small arena in Shepherd's Bush. I waited half an hour before he came on stage. He sang my favourite songs. The crowd cheered on, and I screamed my throat away. It was amazing.
- Watched Harry Potter And The Cursed Child. The security personnel told me I was the happiest fan he ever met. I told him I didn't know I was watching until two weeks before. Meeting the original cast and having them sign my book was truly a dream come true.
- I published an article for Accessorize, writing tutorials on How To Tie Your Hijab. It was an incredible opportunity for a small blogger like me. When they approached me, I immediately said yes. How exciting it was to write for them!
- Apart from a bit of heartache but nothing crushing, June was quiet. I came back to Brunei, spent three weeks sleeping in the day and celebrated Eid with my family. It was relaxing and I loved it.
JULY
- Published Head in His Clouds. I wrote this prose back in May, spending a majority of June perfecting it, and met with photographers to see it come to life. The photos resonated with the post. To this day, It is perhaps my favourite piece I published so far.
- Attempted VEDA and succeeded! Well, 95% but that's still an A. I filmed and uploaded a video every day in August, ranging from Literal Five Minute Makeup to Spoken Word to Carpool Karaoke. Most of the month was spent working in creating daily, I almost forgot I turned 20.
- Went to my second London Fashion Week. I found myself experiencing a full week of LFW, with invitations to, at least, one show a day. It was such a long week that I had to condense each day to three different posts, chronicling Day 1, Day 2 & 3, and Day 4 & 5 respectively.
- Performed in Exeter for the first time. I took the initiative to join the Creative Writing Society, which in turn, inspired me to perform Head in His Clouds. My friends watched and clapped, they never saw me perform until then. I hope they enjoyed it.
- Did Three Days of Halloween, or alternatively titled Three Days of SFX Makeup which I haven't done in years. I dressed up as a half-ripped face skeleton, then scarred Red Riding Hood then Corpse Bride. Guess which is my favourite. (It’s the one where I painted my whole face blue)
- Joined University of Exeter International Forum Market. The BruEx Society was invited to join, selling our local food on campus. I dressed in a traditional Baju Kurung, forgetting it was 2 sizes too small. Regardless, the society raised money and shared a little bit of Brunei to our university.
- Went to EUFC Christmas Dinner. A lot of my friends are fencers, and somehow, I’ve managed to infiltrate the club much to their displeasure. As such, I went to their Christmas Dinner and had a wonderful time feeling festive with my friends. We danced the night away, with joy stitched across our sleeves.
Now, we have 2018 to look towards.
Candy cotton skies, swirling purple and yellow and reddish hues, climbing atop the world. Then drifting off to sleep by dusk.
2. My Family.
7020 miles away, through an 18 hour flight and 2 transits. They annoy me, they bother me, they irritate me but I miss them regardless.
3. Friends.
The ones I have now, and those I once had. We fill rooms with our laughter. We sing out of tune in cars. We loved so much and yet it still wasn't enough.
4. The Weather.
Cold wind brushing against skin, turning my cheeks pink. The layers upon layers I wear to brave the air. It's a small reminder I'm no longer in tiny South East Asia. That makes me so happy.
5. Sweets.
Delicate hot chocolate or sour gummy bears, anything I get my hands on. I love biting into a lolly, and finding a surprise. Candy will always be my favourite sinful treat.
6. Strangers.
I meet some wonderful people I know I will never meet again. They tell me stories of their grown-up children, or how pretty my dress looks. Those kind smiles I receive outweigh the glares I get.
7. Flowers.
I will be first to admit my distaste for them as gifts, but the first to mention my favourite are white roses. If we never had flowers, they would have never inspired poetry. What a dull world to live in.
8. Ink.
My fingers are perpetually ink-stained from bad pens. I don't hate it though. When I notice a blue spot on my finger or a short to do list on my palm, I know I'm writing and that's all I want.
9. White Noise.
When I forget my headphones, I listen to the silence instead. You hear cars driving by, old women speaking in their native tongue, bells ringing and coffee machines buzzing. The world is full of music.
10. Neon Lights.
Especially at night. The bright signs of corner stores and cheap food joints excite me more than they should. It reminds me the night is awake, even if I am not.
11. Long Walks.
I walk more now. Over 10,000 a day almost everyday. Living far from friends will make you move. I often complain as I am late. But I need those quiet walks alone sometimes, it clears my head.
12. Home.
A home doesn't have to be a house, but it could be.
Where I slip my stockings off, make hot Hibiscus tea, and unwind in an unmade bed. Sometimes, it is another place like a familiar cafe where the cashier knows my order before I speak. Other times, it is a person who shares the same story over and over but I still act surprised at the ending.
Whatever, wherever and whoever home is, I am happy to have a home.
It's those minute things I love, ones I'll forget until they are gone. Though I'm not festive, I like to take this time to acknowledge my luck and privilege many don't have. There are people without homes, sleeping in streets this winter, and we can do little to help.
But we can still help.
Centrepoint is a UK-based charity, aiming to help and sponsor homeless youth. More than 150,000 young people are homeless due to finance, abusive families, mental illness etc. Centrepoint provides housing, health support and life skills during these times.
You can make a one time donation of £18 to fund a safe place, or monthly £5 donation to pay for vital basics. The money will provide young people with a future, which is something we all deserve.
Thank you so much.
A notification popped up. "Instagram: [someone] wants to send you a message." Almost instinctively, I tapped it as one does. On my screen was a grammatically incorrect wall of text and a picture of a Malay man's genitals. Short, stiff and gross.
"It's urs if u want it :P"
He said he masturbates to my Instagram. He wanted me to send pictures. He thought I wanted to. I told him he was repulsive. I blocked him and I went to bed.
I woke up the morning with a new notification. Different account, same person. He apologised, it was never his intention to degrade me. He asked me out for coffee, I declined.
He called me a 'stuck-up slut.'
I told him it was an oxymoron, and blocked him again.
Alone, wrapped in a plain brown hijab with headphones on, clutching heavy shopping bags. A Middle Eastern man, mid-to-late twenties, walked towards me. He held his arms out, gestured to my body. He licked his lips and asked if I was looking for a husband.
"Mashallah Habibi, you are too beautiful to be lonely."
"Talk to me, baby."
"I can make you so happy."
He followed me until I ran into a Marks & Spencers. I waited by the racks until he disappeared into the crowd. I didn't leave until thirty minutes later, when my heartbeat slowed down and my eyes weren't so red.
I took a cab back home that evening.
As Term 1 winds down, my friend and I sat down to answer some questions I received from Instagram. This is my third Q&A up on my channel. This time around, there is a good reason. It can be considered educational since it is a Law School Q&A.
Enjoy!
A big thanks to my friend Sam Boughton for joining me in this Q&A. He's seen me break down in the library, I've seen him knock a bottle before an exam. It's a great friendship based on mutual hatred of law school.
You can follow him on Instagram here.
The blogger tab sits there, as I attempt to write something with meaning and moral. I fail. So I write this instead.
A sort of hello again.
Blogging became an outlet when I had little to do and much to say. That was three years ago. Now, I have much to do and little to say. Trying to maintain a social life, assignments, scripts among other things. Those stressful nights on a friend's couch with red eyes and hot tea, or the bruises that never fade. Just the overwhelming sense of dread.
When it's too much to handle, I crawl elsewhere to a safe place. What was once writing on laptop in my bedroom is now somewhere with open arms and a warm smile.
"You'll be fine. I know you will be." My friend whispers as I lay in their bed. Huddled under the covers, the rain heavy. "You've got a pretty cool life, pretty cool blog, and you're pretty and cool yourself."
I laugh, "Barely, always barely."
When they said it, it's somehow enough. Barely is good enough.
Who knows how I will feel in the coming weeks. Speaking of feelings...