Showing posts with label 2020. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2020. Show all posts
It's hard to talk about race.
It feels distant yet so close. Twitter and Instagram flood my feed with black posts on #BlackLivesMatter, which has opened a bigger discussion on race. Everyone has their opinions on what we should care about. Some right, some more right.
Somewhere in the middle of this divide, I'm typing as I tend to do. Away from violence, almost clear of the vitriol, in the comfort of my home. I can donate and sign petitions, but I can also turn off my phone and watch reruns on TV. Trying to bury the uncomfortable truth in my stomach. That I'm terrified and angry - at myself mostly.
Wondering why the world has suddenly gone dark, and if what I'm doing, what I am, is going to be enough.
My cat, Tigger passed away on Sunday. We buried him on Monday.
With everything burning online, and my emotions were running wild, I decided to be selfish for a while. I switched off my phone and watched reruns on TV. But I couldn't sleep any better though. I cried, thoughts rummaging in my head. So I decided to write this, in hopes of making sense of my feelings through all of this.
Particularly how I accumulated such anger, hubris, and loss.
I have lived in two different worlds. In one that doesn't feel I'm Malay enough for them, and another that feels I'm not western enough. Until now, I'm still trying to find a place that lets me be myself. Though I'm not sure what that is yet.
With everything burning online, and my emotions were running wild, I decided to be selfish for a while. I switched off my phone and watched reruns on TV. But I couldn't sleep any better though. I cried, thoughts rummaging in my head. So I decided to write this, in hopes of making sense of my feelings through all of this.
Particularly how I accumulated such anger, hubris, and loss.
I have lived in two different worlds. In one that doesn't feel I'm Malay enough for them, and another that feels I'm not western enough. Until now, I'm still trying to find a place that lets me be myself. Though I'm not sure what that is yet.
When I was in Exeter, I learned how to navigate spaces to accommodate others - even if that meant keeping quiet. Because when I am loud, I become a liberal Muslim feminist who reeks of social justice. Somehow indoctrinated by the left-wing agenda and the Quran. To many, I'm not a real person. That's fine. I've thought that before.
When your being gets called into question so many times, it crumbles and builds up. Over and over again until you forget what your being is at all. But I am, and will always, be a Malay Muslim who should put her foot in her mouth.
Seriously.
I think back to University, and how socially aware I thought I became.
Through the many academic books read for my degree. My essays written on the subtle racial divide in England. The slow realization that no matter what, I will always feel othered. My education and experiences weaved together into three years of depressive outlook on society, but an optimist for the new generation. Yet, bringing this knowledge home is almost impossible. Our two worlds are so different.
It'd be easier to remain ignorant. I can forget the rallies, the events, the pain because I'm safe now. I don't need to speak up anymore, I don't need to care anymore. It is no longer my life. It would have been easier to say nothing at all, but that's not me. I wish it was.
America is entering another week of protests due to the brutal killing of George Floyd.
His last words were; 'I Can't Breathe.'
They echo and reverberate too loudly.
I think about the suffering the black community has always faced. The frustration and disdain that has burst into what it is now. People are angry, they are exhausted. I am too but there is a pang of guilt gnawing in me. Knowing that I am safe when they are not.
I hate myself because all I can do is empathize and be an ally, to donate what money I have and sign petitions online. Though I doubt that will change the systematic racism embedded in the nation, it is the only thing I can do right. That, and evaluate my own behavior.
As I write this at midnight, the self-hatred in my throat is bubbling. It has been for weeks. I cannot help but think that all of this is performative.
I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.
That perhaps this performance is all show and nothing I have done matters. What I do feels important but I question why it matters so much to me. If it is all for the good or the perception of good. There are days I can comment and retweet with my own ideas. Often haphazardly as I've come to understand.
My words are angry, they are mine. I can post things without thinking too - without intending to hurt but they do. I regret that the most. I can share, and post and call out whatever I feel like. I can get emotional, hollowed-out, and broken down in this fight. But the fact remains; this is not my fight.
My words are angry, they are mine. I can post things without thinking too - without intending to hurt but they do. I regret that the most. I can share, and post and call out whatever I feel like. I can get emotional, hollowed-out, and broken down in this fight. But the fact remains; this is not my fight.
It never was.
I am not black, I am not in America, I will never know the struggles of being black in America. What we are seeing online is only a snippet of the injustice. I am far away from it - that is an uncomfortable privilege. One I am learning to accept.
Even if this world has become much darker, there is still light for me. The worst I've encountered do not weigh in comparison to the many underprivileged communities that deal with discrimination every day. My own experiences of racism don't matter because where I am now, it doesn't matter.
As a Bruneian Muslim, I have privileges that many do not. The implicit biases, racism towards minorities, and anti-blackness in the community are subjects that we are slowly discussing now. I feel that's good. As an ally, what I can do with my privilege is to elevate their voices. Listen and never silence, even if it is born out of anger. Even if it is directed at me.
If it were, the only winners are the oppressors. Asians have encountered an obscene amount of racism during - and before - the pandemic, Muslims are still attacked for their faith. In Brunei, minority groups being treated poorly by the many. All these things can exist at once, and we can still say, Black Lives Matter.
It does not, and cannot invalidate, the Black Lives Matter movement.
It is urgent, it is here and it may change the world.
Saying that #BlackLivesMatter shouldn't be controversial. Saying people with a platform must speak up shouldn't be controversial either. I regret the way I said it but I do not regret the context. Black boxes on a page don't matter if we don't educate ourselves and others too. To reach out and discuss in our lives in any way we can.
I struggle every day with being enough, for a better society. I'm going to make mistakes as an ally and I definitely have. But what I will continue to advocate, for allies across the world, is to assess our own prejudices and internalized racism. An examination of what we are in the dark.
In the dark, I am still a small Malay girl who is afraid of being too much or too little. Navigating new spaces while learning about racism in my own country from friends and others alike. I hope to learn something new every day, even if it's uncomfortable.
Especially if it is uncomfortable.
All I can say now is that we must listen to the black voices that have been silenced for so long. I ask that we, myself included, keep an open mind. I ask we continue to sign petitions, donate, and remember that their pain is not ours to keep.
If you'd like to donate, @AmaninaS is organizing a collective donation from Brunei to BLM protestors in Oakland/Bay Area. She will help distribute the funds to Peoples Breakfast Oakland, a black grassroots organization serving people in Oakland; bailing out Black folks across Alameda County, and Black Earth Farms, grassroots pan African & pan Indigenous farming collective; delivering free food to black folks affected by Oakland uprisings.
For more information, Pieces Project has a google doc filled with petitions, donations, and helpful content to educate ourselves. You can find it here.
I'm tired, I miss my Tigger, and thank you for reading.
If you'd like to donate, @AmaninaS is organizing a collective donation from Brunei to BLM protestors in Oakland/Bay Area. She will help distribute the funds to Peoples Breakfast Oakland, a black grassroots organization serving people in Oakland; bailing out Black folks across Alameda County, and Black Earth Farms, grassroots pan African & pan Indigenous farming collective; delivering free food to black folks affected by Oakland uprisings.
For more information, Pieces Project has a google doc filled with petitions, donations, and helpful content to educate ourselves. You can find it here.
I'm tired, I miss my Tigger, and thank you for reading.
With love,
Bash
#BlackLivesMatter.
Bash
#BlackLivesMatter.
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with love,
If I have to give any piece of advice, it's to never listen to me. Especially when I'm sad.
When I'm sad, I tend to do silly things like buy last minute tickets and dye my hair. Last week, I got some pretty sad news so I thought I would go back to my many bad habits. Get my hair done to make myself feel better. It went as expected.
with love,
Bash Harry
My February was packed.
As soon as I finished my internship, I jumped into filming almost every day. 7AM Starts for a 10AM Shoot that lasts till the evening sometimes. I'm dolled up daily but rarely do I have photos to prove it. Just hours of footage not released till April.
I'm getting ahead of myself though.
Here's how February went.
1. STARTED FILMING AS A PRESENTER
Since the first week of February, I've been shooting almost every day for RTB's upcoming show. This is my first job as a host and it's so exciting. I meet cool people and chat about their lives. Have I been nervous on camera? Not really, and I thank everyone in the crew for that.
2. P.S I STILL LOVE YOU
John Ambrose deserves better. There, I said it.
My sister and I watched the 'To All The Boys I've Loved Before' sequel, and here's the thing. It's a typical Teen Romance for this generation. I both like it and don't. A Schrodinger's film. I'll probably never watch it again but I'll definitely watch the next one coming one.
Also, #TeamJohnAmbrose
3. I'M IN A NISSAN COMMERCIAL?!
Yes, yes I am.
It's been a while since I've done commercial work, probably very rusty. But when I got the offer to do the shoot, I jumped in excitement. I also jumped cause I don't drive. My first time driving ever is now in cinemas. Oh well...
You can see the Nissan Commercial here!
Yes, yes I am.
It's been a while since I've done commercial work, probably very rusty. But when I got the offer to do the shoot, I jumped in excitement. I also jumped cause I don't drive. My first time driving ever is now in cinemas. Oh well...
You can see the Nissan Commercial here!
4. READING ON MY KINDLE
I was once anti-ebooks but now, I've grown to really enjoy them. Since picking up my Kindle again, I've 3 e-books including Harleen (2019), a graphic novel - which I highly recommend for Harley Quinn fans. For this upcoming long-haul flight, I'm definitely going to bring it as company.
I was once anti-ebooks but now, I've grown to really enjoy them. Since picking up my Kindle again, I've 3 e-books including Harleen (2019), a graphic novel - which I highly recommend for Harley Quinn fans. For this upcoming long-haul flight, I'm definitely going to bring it as company.
5. CONSTELLATIONS: ELEMENTS OF THE NIGHT
Bruneians Read hosted a book club and of course, I went.
Its theme was all about the Starry Night, filled with chats about books, ice-breakers, and my sticky Honey Garlic stained fingers. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I could talk about books with people who liked books too, our opinions clashing only occasionally.
Bruneians Read hosted a book club and of course, I went.
Its theme was all about the Starry Night, filled with chats about books, ice-breakers, and my sticky Honey Garlic stained fingers. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I could talk about books with people who liked books too, our opinions clashing only occasionally.
I haven't done this in years.
Let's try again.
These are the 5 Things that struck me in January.
1. Visited Sri Lanka for the First Time
It was planned and not planned.
It feels like my first holiday in a loooong time. Rather than sticking to a strict plan for work and cameras in my face, I spent it walking along with new places while I caught up with old friends on rooftop bars. We watched the sunset then tried to finish a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. What a lazy holiday heaven. No cameras around (okay, not true - less photo taking)
2. Ella-Kandy Train Ride
It's called the Most Beautiful Train Ride in the World, and definitely for a good reason.
We managed to book some seats but the other seat blocked the window. What we could peak though was stunning. Sprawls of trees and mountain views passing by. It got significantly warmer as the train moved down to the hotter areas. I managed to get some nice shots leaning out the train.
Don't do this on the subway kiddos.
3. Finished My Internship
A little bittersweet but I'm happy nonetheless. I mentioned it in my Year in Review that I started a 3-month internship involved in Climate Change. It was tiring yet the most absolute fun I've had in an office. I'm glad to have helped out as much as I could in these short 3 months.
4. Started Bullet Journaling
And it's actually going well!
It started on a whim. When I'm anxious (or about to get my period), I spend hours jotting down future ideas. On the last week of December, a wave of ideas for bullet journaling happened for some reason. I bought a Leuchtturm1917 Dotted Journal and some pens, spent 4 hours detailing how the first 20 pages look and here we are now.
I'm not writing every day but I'm consistent. It feels like my mind is going somewhere again.
5. Finished 6 Books
Considering I only read about 8 books last year - I think I've started off quite strong.
I finished the last pages of the Flowers in the Chakrawala by my friend, Hariz Fadhilah on New Year's Day, and finished the audiobooks; Alan Cumming's Not My Father's Son and How to Be a Grown-Up by Daisy Buchanan. In Sri Lanka, I read the Wisdom of Whores and Forest of Enchantments while on beaches and trains. And just finishing up the month with Chuck Palahnuik's Fight Club. Now, I can finally watch the movie.
I'm surprised I read as many books as I did. Perhaps it's the heat and leisure that compelled me. With February rolling around, I might finally start with Michelle Obama's Becoming soon!
My January months tend to feel painful, usually in hindsight. This January feels different, I find that good. It started with good sleep and ended in a beautiful sunset. I've gotten a bit of a tan to prove it. The past decade's fading behind my lines. I can't wait to see what 2020 has to offer.
It was planned and not planned.
It feels like my first holiday in a loooong time. Rather than sticking to a strict plan for work and cameras in my face, I spent it walking along with new places while I caught up with old friends on rooftop bars. We watched the sunset then tried to finish a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. What a lazy holiday heaven. No cameras around (okay, not true - less photo taking)
2. Ella-Kandy Train Ride
It's called the Most Beautiful Train Ride in the World, and definitely for a good reason.
We managed to book some seats but the other seat blocked the window. What we could peak though was stunning. Sprawls of trees and mountain views passing by. It got significantly warmer as the train moved down to the hotter areas. I managed to get some nice shots leaning out the train.
Don't do this on the subway kiddos.
3. Finished My Internship
A little bittersweet but I'm happy nonetheless. I mentioned it in my Year in Review that I started a 3-month internship involved in Climate Change. It was tiring yet the most absolute fun I've had in an office. I'm glad to have helped out as much as I could in these short 3 months.
4. Started Bullet Journaling
And it's actually going well!
It started on a whim. When I'm anxious (or about to get my period), I spend hours jotting down future ideas. On the last week of December, a wave of ideas for bullet journaling happened for some reason. I bought a Leuchtturm1917 Dotted Journal and some pens, spent 4 hours detailing how the first 20 pages look and here we are now.
I'm not writing every day but I'm consistent. It feels like my mind is going somewhere again.
5. Finished 6 Books
Considering I only read about 8 books last year - I think I've started off quite strong.
I finished the last pages of the Flowers in the Chakrawala by my friend, Hariz Fadhilah on New Year's Day, and finished the audiobooks; Alan Cumming's Not My Father's Son and How to Be a Grown-Up by Daisy Buchanan. In Sri Lanka, I read the Wisdom of Whores and Forest of Enchantments while on beaches and trains. And just finishing up the month with Chuck Palahnuik's Fight Club. Now, I can finally watch the movie.
I'm surprised I read as many books as I did. Perhaps it's the heat and leisure that compelled me. With February rolling around, I might finally start with Michelle Obama's Becoming soon!
Five years ago, I wrote about my 2015 Resolutions.
Not much has changed yet so much has.
My 2015 Resolutions are different but they came true. Eventually within the next five years. Keeping that in mind, I'd like to do a Goals list for the next decade instead of the usual resolutions list. After all, the 2020s is the perfect start for this kind of post.
Here are my 5 goals for the decade.
1. 30 COUNTRIES BY 30
I'm 22 now and just developed the travel bug. Why did I wait till my final year of Uni to start solo traveling?
As of writing this, I have been to 15 different countries - 6 of them from last year alone. Thinking about it both excites and scares me. I've always wanted to travel more and maybe in 8 short years, I will visit 15 new countries. Here's hoping for an EU Rail trip and an Asian adventure.
2. HAVE A SCREENPLAY PRODUCED
This will be kept open and broad - cause it's already happened.
The Bungsu Story premiered in 2018, and under the poster said 'Screenplay by Bash Harry.' It showed in local cinemas, and in 2019, was nominated for Best Asian Drama at the First Asian Content Awards. That's pretty freaking cool.
I'd like to do that all over again. Write a new screenplay to be produced in the next decade, maybe even premiere globally. Right now, it's wishful thinking but that's where everything starts.
3. PUBLISH A NOVEL
There are murmurs of exciting things going on - that I can't quite talk about yet. This relates to it, kind of. I'd like to write a straight forward young adult fiction to be put on paper. A super cheesy love story of a girl meets boy to somehow finds herself along the way. That, or a story about Death.
I haven't decided yet.
4. LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY
I've done this already. Three short years in Great Britain, a town called Exeter where it's too quiet for me. In the next decade, I don't want to live somewhere too quiet. Not for the foreseeable future at least. I'd like to live in, or somewhere close to, a city. Whether Singapore or London for a few years or more, just to experience city life for a change.
5. BE HAPPY
Happiness is such a fickle thing - so asking for a feeling to be constant is an immediate failure.
That being said, I'd rather have the long term mindset of being okay, accepting that life is a constant rollercoaster but to prepare my feelings for it. Rather than succumb to the depressive episodes I get, I'd rather accept and move on. Grieve and carry forward. Happiness isn't supposed to be constant, but it is good to feel okay most days.
What are your goals for the 2020s?
with love,
Bash Harry
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