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Thursday, 23 November 2017

It's five minutes to three. 

I have a Trusts lecture in half an hour (if I decide to go). My laptop is at 27% percent and phone even less. My friends sit across me, watching another episode of Rick & Morty while our other friend takes a nap. I'm pretending I don't have any more work and knowing I have plenty.

The blogger tab sits there, as I attempt to write something with meaning and moral. I fail. So I write this instead.

A sort of hello again.

I've written a few posts like this, in the past, when I take unexpected breaks. I usually blame law school and my ineptitude to balance every single aspect of life. I still do.

Blogging became an outlet when I had little to do and much to say. That was three years ago. Now, I have much to do and little to say. Trying to maintain a social life, assignments, scripts among other things. Those stressful nights on a friend's couch with red eyes and hot tea, or the bruises that never fade.  Just the overwhelming sense of dread.

When it's too much to handle, I crawl elsewhere to a safe place. What was once writing on laptop in my bedroom is now somewhere with open arms and a warm smile.

"You'll be fine. I know you will be." My friend whispers as I lay in their bed. Huddled under the covers, the rain heavy. "You've got a pretty cool life, pretty cool blog, and you're pretty and cool yourself."

I laugh, "Barely, always barely."

When they said it, it's somehow enough. Barely is good enough.

Life outside of cyberspace is good. 

I write more, I exercise often and I have a semblance of a proper diet. My friends are goofy but kind, school is stressful but decent, and I'm happier. I'ml more human than I've felt in months. Even if it's just barely, it's still something.

It's still feeling. 

Right now, I want to know I can feel again.

Though I won't be as consistent as I was in Summer, this is me trying. In a bad attempt to balance regular blogging into an already-full schedule. After all, I have an assignment worth 40% of a module due in two weeks.

Who knows how I will feel in the coming weeks. Speaking of feelings...

how are you?

with love,
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