Hate to See Your Heart Break

Thursday, 26 January 2017

"There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt."

I kept your heart in a glass box.

You gave it so willingly, asking me to keep it safe. You kissed my hands and wished me well. So I left it in the box, tucked away in my drawer. Every night since, I checked to see if it still beats for me. I always smiled at its glow. Tonight was different. Tonight, I removed it from its cage. Tonight, I held your heart in my hand.

This is where we end.

I never wanted this to happen. Staring at the concrete ground, refusing to look at you. My breath slow and tears swelling. I hold everything back, you say nothing. We both realise then where we stand. After a long silence, I finally speak. Three words; barely a whisper. I repeat it again and again, until I cry.

“I’m so sorry.”

How were you to know, we would end like this?

Your heart stops beating. 

I feel its pulse fading. I finally look up at you and my own heart sinks. I hate seeing you so still. Your eyes dark and face stone. There are no tears, but your chest stops rising. I notice your fists are clenched, veins rising through tan skin. 

You loved me. You told me every night. Through small touches and careless murmurs. I almost believed it. I loved you too. I always said it after nights together. Through smiles and laughter. You never quite believed me. Perhaps, you were right. 

I could never love you, not the way you loved me. The way you wanted me to love you. A love I never understood. When you asked for my heart, I refused. I kept mine chained beneath ribs, where it still remains. You told me you would protect it, and I never doubted you.

But I've been here before.

I just couldn't let you.

Tears roll down and I wipe them away with my sleeve. More fall when you take my pale hand, placing it on your cheek. It's warm and I keep it there longer than I should. You mutter, "I'm sorry too."

Then we know it's time. I pull myself away, holding back scattering breaths. I open your palms and place the dying heart. You clutch it so tightly, asking me why. I kiss your hands and wish you well. Your heart will never beat for me again, but it will beat one day.

Let the pain remind you hearts can heal. You will find someone. They will love you as much as you loved me. They will give their heart to you, unbroken and absolute. They will keep your heart on their sleeve, than a cage hidden in a drawer. They will love you so much. I can only hope you love them too.

knitted heart : (DIY)   |   glasses : Ebay
lipstick : MAC Diva   |   earrings : Anise   |   shawl : (similar)
jumper : H&M   |   jeans : Superdry

We all have to say goodbye one day. Some goodbyes more painful than others.

It's easy for me to say this, than experience it. When Paramore's Hate to See Your Heart Break played, I felt the wave of melancholy I forgot I missed. A slow lullaby of apologies and sympathy. It was a quiet goodbye, without the theatrical ending. A tragedy we both knew was coming.

There is a comfort to our end. A sort of relief I realised months later. That is why I sit in my bedroom alone, still wearing your necklace and your letter pinned on the board. Perhaps because I miss you but I don't regret leaving you. I don't regret you either.

I hated breaking your heart, but Darling, I have never felt more alive.

How did you say goodbye?