I D O N ' T K N O W
W H A T T O W R I T E
W H A T T O W R I T E
Usually, I have some notion what a post will include. Some cohesive thoughts, photos and structure. Lists or anecdotes or reviews. Not this one though, at least for this particular post. My arbitrary Birthday post. To celebrate my birth, because that is what it is.
Today, I turned nineteen and I feel nothing.
“Everyone, at nineteen, is dumb and beautiful in equal parts...”
― Raphael Kadushin
― Raphael Kadushin
Because age feels like nothing.
At least compared to last year. When I wrote an extravagant birthday post. Though, I will justify its melodramatic reaction. Seventeen going on eighteen set a peculiar stage then and now. I spiralled into an abyss of uncertainty and fragility, hanging on by hope I could live barely. And I did.
At least compared to last year. When I wrote an extravagant birthday post. Though, I will justify its melodramatic reaction. Seventeen going on eighteen set a peculiar stage then and now. I spiralled into an abyss of uncertainty and fragility, hanging on by hope I could live barely. And I did.
Which in turn, led me to survive until nineteen. Eighteen going on nineteen reflects on the last year. Each wonder in my life now started from then. Blogging, modelling, friendships. The lists goes on, to which I will always be thankful. Where I am is a reaction to what started at seventeen as an accident.
Time will tell if it was a happy accident.
Time will tell if it was a happy accident.
If I were to be honest, this has been a filler year.
Perhaps it is because I spent it preparing for the future.
In a short few weeks, I will be studying in a UK University for three years. Majority of my time spent for this. If I was not at home, I would applying. If I was not waiting for the results, I would be work on short projects. And though it was exciting to have so much free time, it bored me.
From August 2015 until now, I spent three months studying and nine waiting. My feet tapping and heart bursting, excited to achieve a dream I had since I was a child. Going to UK, study hard and be whoever I dare to be. Even if it meant an unfulfilling eighteen going on nineteen.
Perhaps it is because I spent it preparing for the future.
In a short few weeks, I will be studying in a UK University for three years. Majority of my time spent for this. If I was not at home, I would applying. If I was not waiting for the results, I would be work on short projects. And though it was exciting to have so much free time, it bored me.
From August 2015 until now, I spent three months studying and nine waiting. My feet tapping and heart bursting, excited to achieve a dream I had since I was a child. Going to UK, study hard and be whoever I dare to be. Even if it meant an unfulfilling eighteen going on nineteen.
My nineteen year old self will lead such a grand life.
Meet new lovers. Find new homes. Gain new thoughts. Everything laid out for the next three years, and some more. My heart heaves when I think about the adventures she will seek. How much she will cry and laugh and how she will grow more. Nineteen is nothing compared to treacherous eighteen. Eighteen's wild works but nineteen will grow into her own.
I can only wish her well and hope she will be good.
I can only wish her well and hope she will be good.
Here's to the young, and the last years of youth.
