OOTD | In The Nude

Monday, 2 May 2016

I   H A T E   B E I N G   N A K E D

Flesh and bone never suited me.

Too frail for the world, too fragile for you. My scarred stomach and bruised thighs are proof. Nimble fingers trail down shaking skin. I shroud myself in fabric. Beneath cloth hide pale wounds from wars long ago. I never asked for these scars.

So why do you?

You glare at each flaw etched into my flesh. Stare at every vein breaking beneath the surface I call skin. Yet you still call me paper thin. Ripped to shreds with your clawed tips. For my worth is not in the words I write nor does it lie in my truth. It lies in what I tell, or rather must tell. 

For your reality, I will remove my thoughts. For your transparency, I will clear my skin. For your pleasure, I will undress my armour. One I forged for so long. Melded from sweat and tears of years spent falling and building and carrying out. One you so callously deny. Desperate to see me liable in the nude. 

As if it makes me more personal, more honest. More human.

To be naked online is to be personal. To be naked online is to denounce privacy.

For many, to be themselves online means to be personal. They're life story written on sites, publishing their days, their thoughts, their feelings. As an audience, we crave it. Hence why they are infinite daily blogs and vlogs. Dedicated to sharing their lives with a world, for a world and judged by the world.

The many who do this are brave. So strong to portray themselves as who they are and not what we dictate them to be. Unafraid of their perfection. But I can never be that person.

I am not brave enough. I doubt I am real. So upfront about my issues. I never discuss my flaws in my mind, or the faults that define me. These problems which I feel many are so eager to do now. Whether to be relatable or unique, it is entirely up to them.

And I do not want to be personal. I do not want to talk about me. My mental illness, or my physical health or my religion. I choose to be selective of the life I portray and the life I live. Two different lives in hopes I can separate myself. Between virtual reality and reality itself.

So I reach for a compromise.

To mention the good days and the bad days but rarely in detail. To always speak aloud about my opinions but remain silent about my personal life. To respect decisions made and continue with my own.

In time, I may open myself to you like a confidant. Now, I am content in my privacy and choose to remain that way.

S H A W L : Asha Karim Collection   |   J A C K E T : Sammy Dress (reconstructed)   |   S H I R T : Uniqlo   
J O G G E R S : Bershka   |   H E E L S : Prada

This is an usually long OOTD piece. I needed to get this subject off my chest. Of being 'real online' which I could never be. Instead, I hope you enjoy my honest and unaltered self. Unlike this jacket, which underwent heavy alteration.

It is a testimony to alterations. This White SammyDress Jacket was horrendous when received. Too ill-fit and frumpy at its smallest size. Thank goodness for mothers who sew. She altered it the night prior. Cinching the waist and tightening the sleeves, so I could wear it without the boxy struggle. 

It was a great addition to pair with Asha Karim's Jameedah Sarung. The prettiest shawl in my closet, detailed in florals and crystals. It went well with my Nude Bershka Joggers and favourite Prada Heels. A pair I've worn many, many times.

So while I don't enjoy being figuratively nude, I do love wearing nudes. 

What are your thoughts on being (metaphorically) nude online?