this is not the strangest look i've done.
Which says more about me, than anything else. Horror settles in my fine lines, cringing at the horror. Noticing my face distorted with thick makeup and unblended application. Yikes. How did this happen?
Oh right, makeup.
Oh right, makeup.
W H E R E H A V E I B E E N ?
Away, but that's a given.
I can make excuses. God knows I make plenty daily. Law school is hard, life is strange and I am not sane. Attempts to rationalise my lethargy and lack of self fail. Instead, I spent time alone. Taking in the joys of a new town. Finding myself in late nights. Consistent ups and downs and nothings.
All I can truly say is; things happened. Let's talk about them.
H I T M E W I T H
T H A T S T R E A M O F D O P A M I N E .
I want your sugar in my veins. Blood is too bitter for my body. A shot is all I need. When I inhale the smoke and seed, you are all I feel. I don't want to feel anything but this. As I float away, grasping at your ecstasy, I find you everywhere. Under your influence, I don't want to let this go.
Yet, I can't take this. Once my mind clears, I know. There is no clarity with you, just empty bliss. But once struck by your eyes, I'm hooked on your spell. I can only think of you. There is a wickedness to your smile, and I wipe it away. I need to ask;
I T W A S A B U S Y O C T O B E R .
Hence my lack of posts. But here I am nonetheless. Typing in between classes, pretending I'm doing actual work. Which I'm not. Instead, I am writing this because it is a week over due and I feel bad.
Here are my Five Things in October!
Here are my Five Things in October!
' h i d e y o u r f a c e
s o t h e w o r l d w i l l n e v e r
f i n d y o u . '
No one knows her. No one sees her. A raven veil cloaked her being. Shrouded in mystery through the curtain of night. She strides in, nose high and back arched. Her smile small and bare. Unknown to the world without her crimson face. As she always intended.
She dips a thin paintbrush into blood, droplets fall to the floor. With flicks of her wrist, she carves her skin. The bristles scratching her cheeks but bares it nevertheless. Cuts deep, but the scars will fade. She notes when the rouge finally dries. Still, she stands. Better painted red like her lovers than black without gain.
She chose her mask. The false face she wears for the world. Without it, she is nothing.
This is why we wear masks. Without, what are we?
" I S T H I S B Y D E S I G N O R R A N D O M F A T E ? "
But who does? When faced with the uncertainty of certain farces, we cower behind humour and sarcasm. I keep my head forward, back straight and feet planted to the concrete. Dressed in black to suit the forsaken. Large rims hiding tired eyes, and lips parted to breathe. Wandering around the streets, alone in the crowd. I am lost.
I lost myself.
And maybe that's okay.
I A L W A Y S W O R E A U N I F O R M
From kindergarten to sixth form, I wore patterned skirts, plain white dress shirt with a square scarf. For nearly 12 years, I knew what to wear every school day. The uniform hanged on my rack without much change, save for a few faint stains. Everyone looks like everyone else, no one bothers looking nicer in a sea of plain white fabric.
University is a little different but the same nevertheless.
Looking nice for the first few days then changes to a new kind of uniform. Sneakers, hoodie and bedhead. Like every other girl in university. Luckily, I organised an outfit. Just for the first day.
T H I N G S H A P P E N E D
As they usually do.
Moving, studying, adjusting. Life changed drastically but it was expected. For years, I've been preparing for this September. Finally able to study in UK, and work hard and do good. Of sorts. Getting here though was not difficult but it was tedious.
Here are Five Things in September!
' I ' M D O I N G O K A Y '
I tell my friends and family when they ask online. Their names lit up on my dying phone. I smile when I text them. I send pictures of the streets, the food and my university.I miss them since leaving for University a few weeks ago.
Things have changed since then. Now, I walk back to my flat with a Costa coffee cup in hand. This has become my afternoon routine in Exeter, Devon.
It isn’t glamorous but it’s new.
Things have changed since then. Now, I walk back to my flat with a Costa coffee cup in hand. This has become my afternoon routine in Exeter, Devon.
It isn’t glamorous but it’s new.
I N E E D A B R E A K .
To put it bluntly.
With all that's going on right now, it's best I take a break from the blog. For the past month, I've been packing for the move, preparing for studies, saying goodbye. To focus on this website is hectic for such a time. And though, I still want to write, I decided this was the best time to explain.
So I filmed a video.
S H A L L I D E S C R I B E A U G U S T . . .
In all its bittersweet divine?
And though, it could just be me in chosen ignorance. To remain blissful among my last month here in Brunei. As I prepare for my time in UK, I choose to spend this month with friends and family. With some exciting times, I hope to remember forever.
Here are a few things that happened in August!
1 9 I S N O B E T T E R T H A N 1 8
And yet it's so different.
At the end of my teenage hood. Almost an adult. No longer a child. Life stops staying a waiting game and becomes a rushed something. Unsure of what is to come but still hoping it's good. In the grand scheme of things, 19 is nothing. But there are still something you should learn.
So here are 19 things you should know before 19...
1 0 L I Q U I D L I P S T I C K S . . .
Applied on my lips in one single afternoon/evening. All for this video.
Ever since the ColourPop Ultra Matte Lip reviews, I have been toying with the idea of a swatch video. Even though my general rule of thumb is 'keep videos visual.' Example; if you can do it on the blog, don't make it a video. Swatch videos were bored me if I could search for photos instead.
But I made an exception. So I filmed the swatches, with a twist.
Ever since the ColourPop Ultra Matte Lip reviews, I have been toying with the idea of a swatch video. Even though my general rule of thumb is 'keep videos visual.' Example; if you can do it on the blog, don't make it a video. Swatch videos were bored me if I could search for photos instead.
But I made an exception. So I filmed the swatches, with a twist.
I D O N ' T K N O W
W H A T T O W R I T E
W H A T T O W R I T E
Usually, I have some notion what a post will include. Some cohesive thoughts, photos and structure. Lists or anecdotes or reviews. Not this one though, at least for this particular post. My arbitrary Birthday post. To celebrate my birth, because that is what it is.
Today, I turned nineteen and I feel nothing.
T O M Y B E A U T I F U L F R I E N D S . . .
Whom I bid farewell at the airport. I clutched their clothes, whispering words of encouragement and wishing I came along. I waved goodbye and held back tears. And held my friend back who did cry. Three friends left for the Netherlands, for further studies. One of them was Mervyn.
Mervyn from The Mervyn Monologues is one of my closest friends. His face popping up in many, many, many personal posts. I watched him and two beautiful girls leave to Amsterdam almost week ago. Now, he resides in Utrecht. Where he will experience the wonders of a new country, the joys of a new life and start anew.
Mervyn from The Mervyn Monologues is one of my closest friends. His face popping up in many, many, many personal posts. I watched him and two beautiful girls leave to Amsterdam almost week ago. Now, he resides in Utrecht. Where he will experience the wonders of a new country, the joys of a new life and start anew.
And so I asked him to write for me. About this new world untouched.
As is everyone nowadays.
Dark lipstick requires confidence to wear. To be so bold and becoming. Drawing attention to the femme smile. It will beckon and it will seek and it will be beautiful. But dark lipstick can be quite unforgiving. A difficulty to attain. I note by the stained teeth or over-lined lips.
So with three lipsticks in hand, here is an easy way to wear dark lips!
' M Y S U B J E C T I S W A R ,
A N D T H E P I T Y O F W A R . '
- W I L F R E D O W E N
And war is upon us.
I feel it underneath sickly skin, sending shivers down my spine. The sun hides my disdain, so I lavish in its warmth some more. Begging the sun shall never set but knowing night will fall. I strap my boots tight, tall and sharp. I ready my armour, painted leather and green.
I kiss my lovers goodbye, that I pray to see again. Then march into battle, to wage war against no one.
R A T I N G : 3 . 5 O U T O F 5
Y E S , M U C H B E T T E R
At least compared to the abysmal 'Nude' shades I last reviewed.
Those lipsticks made me shake my fists in the air, cursing why I listened to all the praise. Purchasing so many disappointing colours because word-of-mouth. ColourPop Ultra Matte Lip's darker shades restored my faith. Not too the extent of praise, but of understanding.
Those lipsticks made me shake my fists in the air, cursing why I listened to all the praise. Purchasing so many disappointing colours because word-of-mouth. ColourPop Ultra Matte Lip's darker shades restored my faith. Not too the extent of praise, but of understanding.
So how were the darker shades?
Since I've filmed an actual tutorial.
Sitting down in front of a camera, behind a makeshift wall and playing around with makeup. Quiet among the lights, just excited to play with eyeshadows. Shadows from ABH's Modern Renaissance Palette specifically. When it arrived, I knew I had to create a look with it.
And filmed the process.
B L O G G I N G I S H A R D .
I should know. I am a blogger. And most likely, you.
Since you're reading this. Whether curiosity, or information or just a leisurely reading. Blogging can get difficult during difficult times. There are much more important things to focus on than long-winded posts or keeping in touch with other blogs. So to ease me through, I found a few sites that help me through these times.
Here are five sites I use for blogging!
R A T I N G : 2 . 5 O U T O F 5
I R E A L L Y W A N T E D T O L O V E T H E M
I really did.
After all, ColourPop is praised like a demigod of the beauty pantheon. For their price. For their shades. For their difficulty to purchase, outside the US. When I received these lipsticks, excitement overcame me. I wore a ColourPop Ultra Matte Lip everyday to see if it was worth the price paid.
So were they worth it?
Well...
What a malignant being you are. Aren't you?
My thoughts huddled together in a tight cage while my body runs through motions. July sings sweet songs I couldn't bear to hear. Bitter beats to spit for no reason but dislike. July was good to me, but not for me. Yet I still try to make sense of it.
Here is my Five Things in July...
" I ' V E B E E N W A I T I N G F O R Y O U . "
I sighed, eyes glistening and cheeks red.
'You're mine,' I thought. 'You're finally mine.' Pulse racing, palms sweating and breath hot. Ages passed since chest felt this tight. The sweet song stuck in my throat and heart banging against my ribs. I finally had Modern Renaissance in my hands.
My first Anastasia Beverly Hills palette. It is the beauty community's latest obsession ever since its Summer 2016 release. And why shouldn't it be? Ever since I had it, I wanted to write a review.
So what are my thoughts on this famous palette?
T H I R D T I M E ' S A C H A R M , R I G H T ?
My third Youtube challenge of the year.
The first challenge, blindfolded makeup, made me laugh. The second challenge, letting my cousin do my makeup, made me shriek. While this third challenge made me excited. How else should I feel when Brunei's top makeup artist does my makeup? Albeit with no thumbs.
So how did it go?
" T O O D A M N M U C H . "
My father retorts.
His sarcastic jabs at my makeup are accurate though. Seeing as I do love purchasing new products to play. Though it did make me ponder at the amount I spend. Not just on all my makeup but the makeup I use regularly. So how much do I spend on my everyday face?
His sarcastic jabs at my makeup are accurate though. Seeing as I do love purchasing new products to play. Though it did make me ponder at the amount I spend. Not just on all my makeup but the makeup I use regularly. So how much do I spend on my everyday face?
And is it worth it?
W E L L . . . T H I S I S D E P R E S S I N G
Standing in front of a camera. Reciting words I wrote long ago. Holding back emotions to stay hollow. So when I speak, it feels like I speak nothing. So I can feel nothing. And yet I still speak, and feel something.
Something building when I mention monsters. Fear monsters will find me. Scared monsters will hate me. Terrified monsters will want me.
And yet I still speak for the monsters. Because they need to be heard.
L O O K A T A L L T H I S M A K E U P . . .
That is so freaking hard to find. Seriously.
I call this an 'American' Makeup Haul because these US-based brands are hard to find here. A rare commodity, lauded by the few who manage to grab it. International shipping is horrible, expensive and time-consuming.
It would take months before they arrived, friends warned me. These arrived late, three months after purchase. However, that was my own fault. A story for a later time. Now, we'll focus on these products.
So what did I manage to get?
I call this an 'American' Makeup Haul because these US-based brands are hard to find here. A rare commodity, lauded by the few who manage to grab it. International shipping is horrible, expensive and time-consuming.
It would take months before they arrived, friends warned me. These arrived late, three months after purchase. However, that was my own fault. A story for a later time. Now, we'll focus on these products.
So what did I manage to get?
P U T F I V E G I R L S I N A R O O M
And proceed to fail at professionalism.
The Five Looks For Eid, a highlight of how professional as I could be, ultimately left a lot snipped out. The awkward laughter, long pauses and my inability to hold a brush properly. Yes, there were many scenes cut for the better. Then proceeded to edit together into one pathetic video.
Here is the Blooper Reel!
I C O U N T M Y B L E S S I N G S
I count them everyday.
I'm grateful for...
I L I K E R A Y A
Even if I am getting older.
More cynical and livid. Eid is something I look forward to every year. A constant good in my life. This year is no different, just 'prettier,' I like to comment. Dolling up, looking better every year. Last year, I featured my Three Days of Eid 2015.
More cynical and livid. Eid is something I look forward to every year. A constant good in my life. This year is no different, just 'prettier,' I like to comment. Dolling up, looking better every year. Last year, I featured my Three Days of Eid 2015.
Here are Three Outfits of Eid!
H A P P Y E I D E V E R Y O N E
And Selamat Hari Raya!
Chomping on food, meeting old friends and making awkward conversation with family. There's truly nothing like Eid. Hence why I love it so dear. My favourite part is getting ready. Able to dress my best, and slather makeup without hassle. For this year, I thought I would share a few looks. Best for the festive season but easy for beginners.
Here are my #5Looks4Eid!
Chomping on food, meeting old friends and making awkward conversation with family. There's truly nothing like Eid. Hence why I love it so dear. My favourite part is getting ready. Able to dress my best, and slather makeup without hassle. For this year, I thought I would share a few looks. Best for the festive season but easy for beginners.
Here are my #5Looks4Eid!
E I D I S J U S T A R O U N D T H E C O R N E R
And most likely, you will be wearing makeup. A lot of it.
By the start, we pamper ourselves with expensive looks, with great flicked liner and contour sharp. It won't last. By the end of the day, mascaras will smudge and lipsticks will fade. An unfortunate, inevitable occurrence. However, there are some ways to minimise the outcome with just a few extra steps.
Here are some Tips & Tricks to Keep Your Makeup Lasting Longer!
By the start, we pamper ourselves with expensive looks, with great flicked liner and contour sharp. It won't last. By the end of the day, mascaras will smudge and lipsticks will fade. An unfortunate, inevitable occurrence. However, there are some ways to minimise the outcome with just a few extra steps.
Here are some Tips & Tricks to Keep Your Makeup Lasting Longer!
To put it bluntly.
Scurrying to events and dinners and meetings. Taking shorter sleeps and less time online. It is both a pleasure and a pain. As much as I enjoy these occasions, I enjoy my bed more. June's lazy days evolved into frantic nights. Not necessarily bad, just an unusual good.
So here are my Five Things in June...
I R A R E LY D R E S S I N G R E E N
It was never my colour, but it suits you well.
Your emerald skin glistening when we meet. I see your false smile and respond with my own. We hold our grudges in our handshakes. We do not resent. We do not hate. We do not brawl. Yet I see the venom dripping down your lips. Words biting but always failing.
You are not my rival. You are an annoyance.
Green looks good on you. Matches the envy in your eyes.
S O M A N Y V I D E O S . . .
So little time to watch.
There are so many beauty bloggers in the world. I should know, I am one.
YouTube is filled with them, each looking different and similar at once. And though, I don't watch many, I do have my favourites. Those who have a voice among mummers. Who I keep visiting because of their skills and value. There are many but I narrowed it down to five.
Here are just a few Beauty YouTube Channels You Should Follow!
I W O N ' T B E D O I N G T H I S A G A I N .
Ever.
This is my cousin, Faiz. Bored one day, lounging in his room. I asked him, 'Do you want to do my makeup?' to which he grinned and I immediately regretted my words. But as a girl who holds her words, we filmed My Cousin Does My Makeup.
And he failed miserably.
H A P P I N E S S I S . . .
You.
Watching you sleep. Your breath short and staggered from nightmares where I can't save you. Yet I still watch you. Wishing I could fight the demons alongside you. Instead, I brush through your madcap locks and wait for your return.
You see me in your dreams. Young in a field of flowers, the meadow reaching our chests. I stand beside you as a friend, paramour and rival. But in that moment, everything falls. What is left is us, and our desire for nirvana. So close within our reach.
Then you woke up.
You see me in your dreams. Young in a field of flowers, the meadow reaching our chests. I stand beside you as a friend, paramour and rival. But in that moment, everything falls. What is left is us, and our desire for nirvana. So close within our reach.
Then you woke up.
Through and through, I am a Muslim. Not a perfect one, but one nonetheless.
I don't discuss religion because I don't want to. My religion does not affect my writing nor does my writing affect my religion. Both are private affairs I don't intend to ever bring up. It's unnecessary. However, I feel Ramadan is different. A rare instance I will write about it because Ramadan is what it is.
A change.
B E A C U T C R E A S E I N A W O R L D
F U L L O F S M O K E Y E Y E S
Whatever that means.
Cut creases run rampant in beauty communities. The epitome of strong eyes; bold and beautiful and found on multiple Instagram pages. With the suggestion of my cousins, I decided to do one myself. Wearing a strong cut crease with a bold lip.
So how did it go?
Cut creases run rampant in beauty communities. The epitome of strong eyes; bold and beautiful and found on multiple Instagram pages. With the suggestion of my cousins, I decided to do one myself. Wearing a strong cut crease with a bold lip.
So how did it go?
L E T S M E E T U P F O R C O F F E E
A universal phrase to mean 'we'll say we will go to that new cafe together but never will.'
Bruneians have a mutual love for appetizing food and obsession with new endeavors. Not a criticism, just an observation. I notice whilst typing away at the fifth cafe-restaurant hybrid to open this year.
The new cafe filled with young adults, happy to discuss life over steaming plates. This is just one place out of many, people seem to visit. No longer is there just Coffee Bean or Starbucks. Brunei, as Brunei sees fit, make their own culture. It is the new Cafe Culture. Aptly titled.
Now chains of ever-growing and ever-popular places pop up to serve. But with that, continues the rise of pollution. Note the non-biodegradable plastics and foam littering the streets. Hence why I started using KeepCup*
I whispered to myself, stepping inside Greenhouse by Muir. A glass house flourishing in floral greens. My hand lifting the L'orient skirt, the other clutching my mother's arm. We climbed to the highest floor to the TudungPeople Hi-Tea Party.
"I shouldn't be here." I whispered to myself. But God knows, I wanted to be.
"I shouldn't be here." I whispered to myself. But God knows, I wanted to be.
W H Y D O Y O U W E A R S O M U C H M A K E U P ?
A question posed often.
Usually out of curiosity than malevolence. I answer jokingly with a half-hearted smile and benign laughter. 'People scream when they see me bare-faced,' or 'One thing leads to another and nothing ever stops.'
A person's descent into makeup madness begins slowly. Just a concealer and mascara before exploding into puffs of powdering smoke and smokey eyes. I decided to tell my beginnings through visual-audio form.
Ish.
W H A T A W O N D E R F U L M O N T H .
Full of wonder that is.
Unlike it's predecessor, wonderful for all the public achievements, May was quiet. Its wonder hidden beneath the little successes and sweet bliss. I rarely did anything social or blog-worthy, so aptly called. Instead of shoots, I slept. Instead of catching colleagues, I met old friends. Instead of taking photos, I stayed in the present. May was not exciting.
Boy, did I love it.
Here are my Five Things...
I F I W A S A D A Y ,
I W O U L D B E M O N D A Y .
No one enjoys Monday, much preferring Sunday's sweet laughs or Friday's wild temper. Monday begins her slow start with a third coffee. Monday is never a favourite, but that was never her purpose.
A reckless recluse struggling through. Eyes squinting beneath sunglasses from the scorching sun. It heats her morning cup. Tight grip in hand and tumbles through life. Monday wakes up grumpy and sleepy but carries on to move forward. For the rest of your days to feel joy, she will consume the woe.
Monday begins with you and stays with you to remind you. The problems you must stride through and perils you hide from. Monday prepares and helps in her own ways.
You'll leave Monday for better days, but Monday still remains. Always there for you.
M Y F I R S T Q & A
Y I K E S .
Y I K E S .
I recently hit 600 on bloglovin' and recently 6K on Instagram. As I said in my last Five Things, I will be hosting a Q&A. For these little successes, I make celebration posts. Writing personal tidbits and fun facts about me, no one wants to know.
This is different.
Instead of finding tags, I sought for questions by people on the internet. Directing questions you may want answered by me. Some general like blogging tips or personal like childhood memories. And the most popular question I've been asked.
What's my real name?
I J U S T M I G H T R E G R E T T H I S
But I'm hoping I won't.
I ran a Twitter poll a few days ago, asking what kind of Youtube video should I film. At any given moment, I would often ask on Twitter for ideas. As my mind is a figurative blank hole, I look to the internet for inspiration. When the poll ended, the results were clear and I sighed in defeat.
For now, I must film My First Q&A. Darn it.
For now, I must film My First Q&A. Darn it.
T H A T G L O W T H O U G H
Let's ignore my stunning, totally real blue-green eyes and focus on the matter at hand. What's the secret to glowing skin? Is it Inner Peace? Happiness? Kindness? Nope.
It's highlight. Lots of highlight.
Also known as 'Strobing,' this finish has become rather popular this year. A strong glow for dewy skin. I made a quick step-by-step Strobing Tutorial a year ago. I thought I would revisit the concept and improve on it. This time, focusing on creating a strong strobe with a warmer finish.
So here is my revamped Strobing Tutorial! How to Achieve Glowing, Dewy Skin!
It's highlight. Lots of highlight.
Also known as 'Strobing,' this finish has become rather popular this year. A strong glow for dewy skin. I made a quick step-by-step Strobing Tutorial a year ago. I thought I would revisit the concept and improve on it. This time, focusing on creating a strong strobe with a warmer finish.
So here is my revamped Strobing Tutorial! How to Achieve Glowing, Dewy Skin!
I W A S N ' T A G R E A T S TU D E N T .
But I wasn't terrible either.
I remained in the middle. When doing homework, I would present some on time, some three days later and some never at all. In class, I would rally a discussion, sit quietly or sleep. During Personal Study, I would revise, read or go home. In all, I was a decent A Levels student with decent grades and a decent social life.
Now my sister is preparing for her AS Levels, frazzled and nervous for the upcoming exams, I assured her it was going to be fine. So long as she studies. And before I told her, I thought I could write it down here instead.
Here are some helpful tips for studying!
Now my sister is preparing for her AS Levels, frazzled and nervous for the upcoming exams, I assured her it was going to be fine. So long as she studies. And before I told her, I thought I could write it down here instead.
Here are some helpful tips for studying!
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